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David Poland

By David Poland poland@moviecitynews.com

Posted Wednesday, April 8th, 1998 - Comments Off on Ranting and Raving
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Ranting and Raving

$100 million. What would I do with $100 million? Jim Cameron has it, all in one check, and he deserves it. He earned it the old fashioned way. He made a $280 million movie and shocked everyone as it turned into an international phenomenon. That’s the way, boy! Anyway, back to me. If I had $100 million. Well, I’d probably make one of my own movies, but that would be cheap. Maybe a couple of million. I don’t write epics. Not interested.
So, I have $98 million left. Let’s see. I guess I would go and offer part of the money to Albert Brooks, some more to David Mamet and another $25 million or so to a dozen documentary filmmakers who really need it. I’d do anything to encourage Brooks to make more movies. Mamet is weird, but I think he’s an incredibly underrated director. And I love documentaries and hate that they are almost impossible to get made. Even worse, nobody shows the films in theaters, so I’d lay out a few million to buy my own revival house where I would run really good movies and really good movies only.
That leaves about $31 million in my account. Put that $1 million into an account for my nephews, nieces and godchildren to go to college. Better make that $2 million — one of them might want to go to a private university. That leaves $29 million. Better put $5 million aside for litigation. I don’t know what I did to earn this big check, but whatever it was, I’m sure some idiot will be suing me to get a part of it. Speaking of idiots, I should think about the IRS. Wait a minute! With $100 million, I’ll never have to pay taxes again! Suckers!
Okay, $24 million burning a hole in my pocket. Should I give it to the United Nations? Nah! Been done by someone. The name eludes me. Feed, clothe and shelter the homeless? A worthy idea. But how about this? What if I do the filmic version of these sidewalk newspapers that homeless people are selling all around America these days. I’ll turn homeless men into grips, gaffers and P.A.s. After all, those crew guys pretty much dress like homeless guys on the set anyway. Who would notice? A national below-the-line training program. Cool. Of course, I’ll need to set aside another $2 million to defend against the suit by the unions. And another $500,000 for bodyguards to keep me form getting killed in a mysterious accident.
That leaves about $20 million. I could make an IMAX film. Inside IMAX. Nope. I could buy an episode of “E.R.” Oops. Not enough cash. I could hire Sylvester Stallone to wash my car for a year, but he never vacuums the carpet in back. Forget it. I could buy the rights to Terminator 3 and make Jim Cameron‘s life hell for a few years. I could start dating Pamela Lee. We could remove all her tattoos and start again. I could start my own fabulous girl group, The Dave-ettes. They would all wear really snazzy clothes and sing well, so they would just lose all my money. Or I could get out of this crazy industry, move to Montana with a nice woman and have some kids, grow old in a healthy, loving environment and die at a ripe old age with children I could be proud of, a wife who loves me, real peace of mind and be buried on my own land.
What? And give up show business?
READER OF THE DAY: Timothy Kooney responded to the question about what was terrible about 1997: “[THE] LOST WORLD!!!!! Unlike Titanic, it was special effects with NO story, acting, plotting or anything else that would be considered part of the cinemagraphic arts. At least Titanic had a mediocre plot and somewhat interesting characters. Sadly, even the dinosaurs, though well done, did not break any new ground. I still break out in a cold sweat when I think about Michael Crichton and Jeff Goldblum getting paid ANY sum to embarrass their craft. Of course, Hollywood redeemed itself by granting the truly superior L.A. Confidential two Oscars. I’ve seen it three times and I think I will add a bit more to its box office while I can still catch it on the big screen.”

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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon