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David Poland

By David Poland

Funny Friends?

The lawsuit against Friends by a former writers assistant is one of the great “How will you keep ’em in Hollywood if they still think they are on the farm?” documents of all time.

But perhaps my favorite, on first reading, is the page six revelation that Greg Malins – the pervy, oral-sex-fixated superstar of this deposition – felt that Adam Chase could have had sex with Jennifer Aniston had he moved quicker, followed by the page eight comment that Mr. Chase had opined to the complainant that he too felt that he could have engaged in sexual congress with Ms. Aniston.

And of course, the saddest thing I noticed, though it might be hidden in the inner folds of the deposition, was that no one seemed terribly interested in sex – oral, vaginal or anal – with Lisa Kudrow.

I don’t like any of the people whose ideas were recorded in this deposition. I don’t think the complainant deserves a dime. And I don’t doubt a single word she said.

It just goes to show that the writers, even talented writers, can be petty, worthless, self-involved, pieces of shit. And that should make us all cringe. But in the end, Hollywood will employ any brand of asshole that “it” things can make the machine money.

I am not worried about the sanctity of any of Mr. Aniston or Ms. Cox Arquette’s orifices. But the lack of humanity… that worries me alot.

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8 Responses to “Funny Friends?”

  1. Don says:

    Dude, don’t be a douchebag.
    The only real asshole is the one who believes any of the lies that woman said. Why dont you ask around first before contributing to the distruction of someone’s carreer. I challenge you to find anyone who knows these who agree with anything she said.

  2. Mark says:

    Kudrow must feel like crap not turning on any nerdy, ugly writers.

  3. David Poland says:

    Funny, since no one interviewed by the New York Times, who have worked in writer’s rooms, as I have, or run shows, seemed to find the accusations of language odd at all.

  4. don says:

    If you have worked in writers room and participated in such talk why do you condenm it so hard? Wait, let me guess, everyone else said stuff, you were squeakly clean. And if the NY Times decided not to use any part of the interviews with the at least seven people who denied her claims, that still doesn’t make them true.

  5. David Poland says:

    Don –
    I can’t claim to be a virgin. But I don’t talk about anyone, male or female, with the disregard that Mr. Malins allegedly showed… even in jest. Actually, I like to think I am funny enough not to have to resort to the dick jokes.
    I have certainly laughed at those kinds of comments. In fact, my funniest Adam Sandler memory is of him telling the filthiest jokes he could at 1:30a at The Improv on weeknight many years ago.
    But perhaps you are right. Perhaps she made it all up. It sounds plausible. Anyone who as spent time in any locker room knows that. And I think the suit is frivolous, regardless. But perhaps you are right.

  6. SaveFarris says:

    I’m guessing the reason Kudrow was spared all the sex talk was because all this was supposedly taking place in 1999, right after Kudrow had her baby. As vulgar and base as these guys sound, I guess they still had enough respect to lay off the newborn-toting mother.

  7. Mark says:

    Hey Donny, relax.

  8. bicycle bob says:

    lay off kudrow
    shes sexy

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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon