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David Poland

By David Poland

I'm Kinda Stunned

It was only a matter of time before Lindsay Lohan offered a direct answer to the most popular request at Mardi Gras. But I have to say… dumb move!
Did someone tell this poor, spiraling actress that she looked like a little naked girl with big breasts, no curves on any other part of her body, and a face that now looks like Marilyn’s less sexy sister after 30 years of sitting in the sun in Miami Beach?
I hate to spend time objectifying The Most Overly Objectified Living Woman On The Earth 2007, but it is a sudden nude photo display in New York Magazine (huh?). And aside from having a nice set of mammary glands… and in spite of having a nice set of mammary glands… shark… jump… eat… Fonzie… eat… Lindsay.
About the only thing I am less interested on seeing in Celeb World now is another shot of any part of Ms. Spears: The Elder’s anatomy.
Or maybe she is aiming at so low a bottom that we will all have to root for a comeback.

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40 Responses to “I'm Kinda Stunned”

  1. PastePotPete says:

    IMO she’s going after the wrong sex icon here… she looks more like Angie Dickinson…
    …from Dressed to Kill, but still…

  2. jeffmcm says:

    Picking ‘the last shoot’ is so laden with irony, she sank to the earth’s core.

  3. Eric says:

    Hey, boobs! Thanks for the link.

  4. I’m more disturbed by the way they equalized the height of the two women. The picture on the left looks like it has had about two inches of leg snipped away. The result makes her look like some kind of Hobbit stripper.

  5. ScreendoorSlams says:

    Am I the only one disturbed with the obvious symbolism of this. Lets see, tragic drug affected starlet reenacts last image of another tragic drug affected starlet. What came/comes next ?
    I can’t believe reasonable people were involved with this. If Lohan does go the ‘full Monroe’ (which from my read of gossip has been a realistic and expressed fear)then those associated with this pictorial will find themselves in a very uncomfortable place.

  6. anghus says:

    “then those associated with this pictorial will find themselves in a very uncomfortable place.”
    like the back of a volkswagon?

  7. Me says:

    Screendoor, I rather presumed that was the point of the photoshoot in the first place. Most of us assume that one of these young blondes are going to die soon (though who knew Heath Ledger would be the one?), and this seemed like a weird car wreck of an opportunity to explore it and the nature of history repeating itself.

  8. montrealkid says:

    Hey Dave, your Oscar contest is missing of the Best Supporting Actor nominees!

  9. ScreendoorSlams says:

    Me, explore or enable ?

  10. Me says:

    I think they were going for explore (if it was US Weekly, I would say enable), but it seems more like exploit than anything else.

  11. LexG says:

    She looks AWESOME and that spread is HOT and LOHAN *OWNS* all your old, weird, low-testosterone/asexual film geek nerd asses.
    LOHAN IS STILL ONE OF THE TOP FIVE SEXIEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD and I can’t believe Captian Showtune doesn’t recognize THE INCREDIBLE HOTNESS.
    She’s been looking BETTER THAN EVER lately; Just because you guys are a bunch of AV Club rods who don’t know how to party or are such LIGHTWEIGHTS that you ENTER ANOTHER FUCKING DIMENSION from your SIDECAR and PINK SQUIRREL doesn’t mean you have to be condescending and judgmental about people who know how to roll.
    LOHAN OWNS YOU. And your weak-ass wives/girlfriends/partners.
    BE SUPERIOR, all weak-ass failures who don’t RULE THE WORLD.

  12. Cadavra says:

    Oh, fuck. I’m actually finding myself in agreement with LexG. Though in a much quieter way, of course.

  13. Roman says:

    I agree with you. It’s a dumb idea. For Ben Stern.
    But he’s probably old enough not to care.
    As for Lohan, I don’t really think it’s going to affect her career much at this point. I mean compared to some of her recent movies, I’d say it’s actually a career high point for all the same reasons it’s a career low point for Stern.
    “And aside from having a nice set of mammary glands… and in spite of having a nice set of mammary glands…”
    What do you mean apart from having a nice set of mammary glands? It’s ALL she has going for her. So I say, go ahead girl and flaunt them. That makes perfect sense. I’m not complaining.

  14. Nicol D says:

    I agree that it is unfortunate that Lohan feels compelled to drop her clothes in order to have a career and that the Monroe tact is a bit too coincidental.
    On another level though, I must say that Lohan is one of the few under 20’s that can genuinely portray a womanly sexuality on film. She does seem to have a more classical sexuality that I find very attractive. I also concede though that she should have done a few more ‘money in the bank’, Mean Girls, Herbie type films to solidify her box office rep before going adult. That market seems a long time ago for her and she is only 21.
    Nevertheless, she is genuinely talented and is sexy indeed. I liked the shoot.

  15. The Big Perm says:

    I picture LexG writing that with one hand, as he holds a gun to his temple with the other.

  16. Wrecktum says:

    I suspect that it isn’t a gun he’s holding.

  17. David Poland says:

    The funny thing is, looking for the Freaky Friday image, it is amazing how many images there are of the clothed Lohan that are remarkably sexy… and not one shot in this group qualifies for me.
    Thing is, the allure of Monroe was not a matter of random body parts… and the same has been true for Lohan. My guess is that she would have been much better served by a shoot with a Playboy or a Sports Illustrated photographer if she was going here, because she doesn’t withstand the hard edge of these images.
    And yes, the constant need to be identified with great stars of the past is a show of weakness and self-loathing. And really, that Vanity Fair thing, with people in images from old movies… lame. Only Cotillard did really well and it had little to do with Psycho, just being a pretty woman well shot.

  18. LexG says:

    “…she doesn’t withstand the hard edge of these images.”
    I have a hard edge.
    If you know what I mean.

  19. Wrecktum says:

    I thought as much.

  20. mutinyco says:

    Dave reads Playboy for the articles…

  21. hendhogan says:

    i’m surprised she didn’t save it for a movie role. i think “i know who killed me” would have done better just by the presence of a nude scene. it was never going to do great cause movie was god awful (and, yes, i’m saying that based on reading the script alone).
    i don’t know the numbers, but it feels like about 20 regular posters. and lex is clearly one of the twenty. if the movie got 1 in 20 to go see it on the basis of a nude scene alone that would be some serious money.
    from a business point of view, it seems like a lost opportunity.

  22. THX5334 says:

    It’s so easy to tell now when Lex is hitting the bottle.
    I’m waiting for his proverbial post where he beats himself up for being a no good un-famous hack who is miserable..right up to the rapid mood change to Super Lex, where he then tell the rest of us how we’re all talent-less hacks.
    First of all Lex, if you’ve ever been up close to Miss Lohan or many of the others, you begin to have a finer appreciation for Makeup, Lighting and now Photoshop. There are many girls that if you put them side by side in the real world, no makeup or lighting, and they would blow her away.
    She is not all that. A genuine talent, yes. Which does make her sexier. But not all that.
    Oh, and your big Paul Walker that you idolize? I don’t think he bangs as many hot broads as you think, I’m pretty sure he hangs out with the Velvet Mafia.
    Maybe you should put the bottle down and go to a meeting? Not only will you help your liver.

  23. jeffmcm says:

    “Lohan is one of the few under 20’s that can genuinely portray a womanly sexuality on film. She does seem to have a more classical sexuality that I find very attractive.”
    In which movie(s) did she do this? I never saw I Know Who Killed Me or Bobby, so I have to assume it was one of them.

  24. THX5334 says:

    It will help with your tastes in Pop Culture
    (Paul Walker?? as Job would say: COME ON!!)
    And you might make some good industry contacts (but only if you’re serious about sobriety. 12 steppers don’t take that “The Player” shit lightly)

  25. Nicol D says:

    If I thought this was anything other than a smarmy set up, I would answer.
    But I do. So I won’t.

  26. jeffmcm says:

    Set up, yes. Smarmy, well, that’s up to you. But my take is that Lohan has never depicted ‘female sexuality’ in any movie that I have seen. She has been and still is a particular male fantasy, but that’s not the same thing, if you will remember your Gender Studies lessons.

  27. IOIOIOI says:

    If it were not for her “job”. She would really be the most straight as board looking actress in all of Hollywood. She is built like a freakin FEMALE softball player. How her people could agree to those pics, will forever be a mystery to me. Since the mystery of Lindsay Lohan has been revealled to be a bit blah.

  28. They’re not exactly sexy photos are they? They remind me of the Vanity Fair cover with Keira and Scarlett. It’s like all the actual beauty is just sucked right out.
    I tend to think though that this is a big joke. I mean, seriously, I know Lohan admires Monroe, but what publication would ask a young actress (with a noted drug history) to replicate the final photoshop of a tragic drug-addicted suicidal woman? Yikes.
    Still, Freaky Friday is hilarious.

  29. Okay, seriously, who cares about Lindsay when freakin’ Jessica Alba is recreating famous Hollywood scenes?!?
    And I thought Freaky Friday was hilarious. And these pictures are hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Alba as Janet Leigh! Alba as Tippi Hedren! Alba is Mia Farrow! Alba as Drew Barrymore! Oh.My.Fucking.God. They Psycho and Rosemary’s Baby ones are particularly heinous. In the latter she’s not even trying and in the former she looks like she’s about to burst out laughing (which wouldn’t surprise me).
    Just… wow. Completely and utterly W-O-W-!-!-!
    I’m actually laughing so hard I’m crying. It’s like a carcrash. I can’t stop staring!

  30. Nicol D says:

    “She has been and still is a particular male fantasy, but that’s not the same thing, if you will remember your Gender Studies lessons.”
    Yes, you’re right Jeff. When I find Lohan attractive it is not because I truly find her attractive. It is only because I have been brainwashed by the patriarchal establishment.
    True beauty is Rosie O’Donnel.
    Thanks for the refresher. You are always that great reminder of why I vote the way I vote.

  31. Stella's Boy says:

    You provide a similar function for me Nicol, so many a thanks to you as well.

  32. L.B. says:

    Thanks for that link, Kamikaze. A great laugh to start the day. The Psycho shot is so awesome it’s made me like the Van Sant remake just on principle. “Sure it was pointless and misguided, but it was better than that Alba shot.”

  33. jeffmcm says:

    Nicol, the point that you so cleverly don’t get is that when you find Lindsay Lohan attractive, it doesn’t have much with her own sexuality, it has everything to do with _your_ sexuality. I’ve never seen a movie where she actually expressed any sexuality other than being a young woman in her teens/20s with a large chest and a cheerful attitude. So basically, she’s a Playboy bunny who hadn’t gone naked until now, and that means nothing about her actual sexuality except that maybe she’s an exhibitionist.
    So obviously, you vote the way you do because you’re not well informed.

  34. LexG says:

    Always a delight when one gets to see Kamikaze camp-queen out like he did above, all over-laughing and being catty about something that’s at best kind of amusing and at worst just a little lame in execution.
    Alba OWNS. I can barely even work up a LEXRANT about it now, nor about Jeffmcm’s above, neutered, devil’s advocate nonsense, since obviously it’s a lost cause to EVER get the majority of Hot Bloggers to concede that, yeah, they like looking at pretty women (the horror!) and that one’s reaction to EVERYTHING, EVER needn’t be some arch, smug, detached, insider analysis.
    Sometimes HOT is HOT, and SHIT THAT OWNS just plain FUCKING OWNS.
    I wish some people could just remove the proverbial stick from their ass and just experience things VISCERALLY and with some degree of naivete or enthusiasm.
    So few the few straight guys who post here, most of whom I’m sure HAVE GOATEES, READ COMIC BOOKS, and ARE FAT, here’s a lesson:
    Almost every Maxim/Stuff starlet type is HOT. All that matters is that THEY ARE HOT. You’re not supposed to care about THEIR BOX OFFICE TRACK RECORD or how it’s blasphemous if they recreate famous movie scenes or spreads. They exist to be HOT, look shiny, wear HEELS, and be awesome. You should pay to see each and every movie they ever do, and collect photo galleries of them on your computer.
    If not, you are a DOUCHEBAG.
    By the way, Marilyn Monroe was FUCKING FAT AS FUCK, OLD, and boring. Nice size 42 ass, fatbody.
    I’ve been hearing about this old hen for 30-odd years, and I just don’t see it. ALBA and LOHAN have more hotness in their hot-ass ankles than Monroe showed in her career.

  35. jeffmcm says:

    Lex, if everybody who posts here is a lame goatee-wearing comic-book geek…why stick around yourself?

  36. LexG says:

    I was about to make a snide comment on your comprehension skillz, then realized my typo might’ve made it unclear.
    But I was addressing “the few straight guys here, most of whom PROBABLY have goatees, etc.”
    I didn’t say “everybody who posts here.”
    But if you want me to speak in even broader generalities than is my norm, I’ll sum up:
    Back more on topic, rereading this just now, I’m struck again by how condescending and moralistic Mr. Poland is with “this poor, spiraling actress.”

  37. LexG says:

    1. HILTON
    2. LOHAN
    4. BIELZ
    8. PORTMAN
    B O N E R

  38. CaptainZahn says:

    Lohan is sexy. I’m not even built to be turned on by her, yet I can see that. Her life appears to still be a mess, though, and I find it a more than a little bit depressing to look at her now.

  39. hendhogan says:

    i love seeing hot women. but i live in california. i see hot women every day just walking down the street. and sometimes even hotter than your top ten there.
    i would argue that if you talked to any one of them (fantasy of fantasy), none of them would tell you that their goal was to be hot for hot sake. all of them has higher aspirations. i only see two on your list with the potential to reach them. guess which ones.

  40. Cadavra says:

    Jesus, this is like being trapped in a basement with a bunch of 12-year-olds leafing through Daddy’s HUSTLERs. Wipe the drool off your faces and go read a real book.

The Hot Blog

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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon