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David Poland

By David Poland

BYOB 623

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64 Responses to “BYOB 623”

  1. Joe Leydon says:

    David Fincher reportedly is in talks to direct The Social Network, a movie — scripted by Aaron Sorkin — about the formation of Facebook. Fine and dandy, but what I want to know is: Who will write and direct the movie about the formation of The Hot Blog? Who’ll be cast as David Poland? And who will play some of the most prolific posters? Inquiring minds want to know!

  2. SRCputt says:

    Pixar will do the adaption of The Hot Blog story and will cast John Ratzenberger as Poland.

  3. Joe Leydon says:

    Hey, works for me.

  4. LexG says:

    Jared Fogle for McDouche.
    Rod Lurie, Jimmy Kimmel or Chuck Barris (if he’s still alive) for Poland.
    Severn Darden for Leydon. (Unfortunately impossible, but spot on.)

  5. Joe Leydon says:

    Severn Darden was great in two of my favroite ’70s movies, The Hired Hand and Vanishing Point. Also, he, like me, was born in New Orleans.) But now, seriously, I think Richard Dreyfuss could play me just fine.

  6. jeffmcm says:

    Nonsense. I conjure the zombified corpse of Burl Ives!
    And a young Ted Kaczynski as Lex.

  7. Wrecktum says:

    I will be played by Mudflap from Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

  8. LYT says:

    Shatner as Poland. Period. Give him a digital facelift if necessary.
    It would be the best movie ever made. And should be called “DP/90”

  9. jeffmcm says:

    I feel like there already is a video called that. Maybe a whole series.

  10. Joe Leydon says:

    Such mendacity!

  11. LYT says:

    I think Joe should be played by Darrell Hammond impersonating Sean Connery.

  12. chris says:

    @jeffmcm: I think the same damn thing every time I see “DP” in here.

  13. Jeffrey Boam's Doctor says:

    I will be played by Tommy Wiseau.

  14. martin says:

    Jeff prefers DVDA/90.

  15. messiahcomplexio says:

    co starring
    Howard Stern as LexG
    Paul Giamatti as Jeffmcm
    Cortney Love as Io
    and starring
    Larry David
    as “the poland”.

  16. christian says:


  17. LexG says:

    Unfortunately, I know Severn Darden mostly from… “Saturday the 14th.” One of the lamest movies ever made but an HBO staple back in the day, Richard Benjamin in one of his last big-screen lead roles before becoming the director with probably the single worst filmography in the history of filmographies (not counting “My Favorite Year,” “Racing the Moon,” and, arguably, “Little Nikita.”)
    The main thing that I recall about “Saturday the 14th” was it was like 73 minutes long, and that was mind-blowing.

  18. LYT says:

    Based on the actual photo I’ve seen of Lex, I’d suggest David Arquette.
    But based on the personality projected, that dude from Balls of Fury seems about right.

  19. yancyskancy says:

    Lucy Lawless as leah.

  20. IOIOIOI says:

    Uh no. I am played by Adam Goldberg. Thank you very fucking much. Oh yeah… good times with the transformers… GOOD TIMES!

  21. I just won two free tickets to Hannah Montana: The Movie. I will use them.
    Also, I got told I could have swine flu :/

  22. hcat says:

    I loved Saturday the 14th as a kid, I remember Jeffery Tambor as being hilarious. I am sure I would find it terrible today, though it is probably a scarier vampire movie than Twilight.

  23. christian says:

    Like Lex, I watched SATURDAY THE 14TH every single time it was on HBO as was my wont with certain not very good but undeniable fascinating films. Benjamin’s clueless shtick always makes me laugh. And the film is rather innocent, and has nothing to do with the slasher series or genre.
    Another better comedy from the HBO vault is PANDEMONIUM with Tommy Smothers and Paul Reubens.
    And I expect Johnny Depp to OWN in a scene-stealin’ cameo as one “Christian” in HOT BLOG: THE MOVIE — to paraphrase Ebert, not to be confused with HOT BLOG: THE SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY.

  24. hcat says:

    Pandemonium – “I was trying to get in her drawers” – Jesus I wasted my childhood. Let me know when we get to Superfuzz or Ice Pirates.
    And Dave should just have Blanchett play all the parts.

  25. hcat says:

    A few years ago I was in an elevator when someone from another office asked me if I had seen Flightplan because I looked like the guy in it. I hadn’t seen it but knew Sean Bean was a lead so I felt quite good about myself for the rest of the day. Months later I finally saw it and was saddend when I realized she was probably talking about Peter Sarsgaard who was quite frumpy and plain in that role.

  26. christian says:

    Oddly, Peter Sarsgaard was just cast as “hcat” in HOT BLOG: THE MOVIE.

  27. RP says:

    Oscars goes to 10 best pic noms: Is this really necessary? 🙂

  28. Boonwell says:

    Ten nominees is fantastic. Might it be possible to NOT have a foregone conclusion for the first time in over a decade?

  29. a_loco says:

    I say we cast the guy who plays Creed on the Office as Chucky in Jersey.

  30. The Big Perm says:

    I could just play myself and add some name value to the movie (I’m really George Clooney).

  31. jeffmcm says:

    Kami, I hope you don’t have swine flu.
    I’m a big fan of The Ice Pirates.
    And I’ve said this before, but when I picture IOI in my head, it’s the guy from the Chocolate Rain Youtube video.

  32. Martin S says:

    I saw Sat The 14th as the lead on a double-bill…with The Hills Have Eyes. Swear.

  33. christian says:

    Martin S FTW.

  34. Lota says:

    I want to be played by Eva Green.
    Actually I’d love to be played by Jeanne Moreau subject to time travel by 50 yrs.
    One can dream.
    McLota checking in w/ u from Dublin (and MacLota tomorrow)

  35. Brett Buckalew says:

    Joe: LOL over the creative CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF shout-out.

  36. leahnz says:

    thanks, yancyskancy! :-*

  37. Cadavra says:

    I’ll be played by Richard Lewis. Thank you, thank you all.

  38. Joe Leydon says:

    Brett: Well, it was either that, or singing “A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down…”

  39. Joe Leydon says:

    OK, this posting is a bit long, so those of you already inclined to think of me as a windbag

  40. IOIOIOI says:

    That guy whose a spaz, just revealed himself to be a racist. Good to know. Good to know.

  41. scooterzz says:

    and io gives the ‘titticut follies’ response to leydon’s post….perfect…
    leydon — my education came from the valley arts theater in tempe while at asu (taking film studies, btw) in ’69….
    and i was in l.a. for the introduction of z channel….best of times/worst of times….

  42. LexG says:

    Joe Leydon: Very interesting question; I can’t speak for the generations before me, but I once considered writing a piece about the way ’80s kids consumed movies via HBO and VHS… but by now it’s probably redundant considering how much I’ve beaten that topic into the ground here.
    But my take is the kids like me who were into HBO (and other pay services) during that late ’70s, early ’80s time, before pay TV had too much original programming and you could literally watch Harry Hamlin in “King of the Mountain” or Albert Finney in “Looker” twice a day, every other day… Like, some of those movies might not have been the best, but we became PASSIONATE about them. Rather than taking them for granted, that “watch and rewatch” factor (through sheer lack of alternatives) made you see a movie, even a bad movie, 5, 10, 100 times (saw “The Shining” EASILY 50 times by 1982) and think about it in a different way each time and created a lot of “classics” for Gen X that wouldn’t be classics in the Netflix age where everyone QUEUES a movie, watches it once, then mails it back to get to the next movie.
    The good and great movies still probably rise to the top in any era, but something like “Fletch” was probably a “once and I’m out” theater view for most critics, and today it would probably get a theater view and Netflix/Blockbuster rental out of most kids… But if you were 13 when it hit HBO *and* Showtime in the same month, every day, every summer afternoon when you came back from Little League… a movie that today would probably be pretty disposable becomes some favorite that people can quote on VH1 remember when shows.
    Then again, I’m sure there’s kids in their late teens and twenties who can quote “Wedding Crashers” or “Anchorman” back to front. But does seem like the Netflix culture makes EVERYTHING available to everybody, whereas my generation immortalized just about ANYTHING that was on the tube, and the Leydon generation grew to REALLY appreciate the great stuff because it was an effort to seek out and you wanted to really savor a classic when it came your way.
    On that front, I can kinda relate; Sure, HBO had all the NEW movies, but for a budding film geek wanting to catch up on great early ’70s movies, I’d have to wait for the local affiliate to show “Last Detail” or “Deliverance” or “Shaft” at 11:30 in that washed-out color and edited down to 96 minutes. Sort of the couch potato equivalent of waiting for the horse and buddy to roll through town with a good print.
    But not dissing the way kids have it today: Every DVD forum techno dweeb has instant access to “Seven Samurai” and Bergman and Fellini and Kurosawa. There’s 18 year old kids who, thanks to Netflix, have seen more international cinema than most 35-year-olds (ie, me), because mom and pop video shops NEVER had that stuff on VHS, cable never showed any of that, so unless you were old enough to go to revival screenings, that stuff was IMPOSSIBLE to come by. Kinda shameful that I can reel off thousands of paragraphs of bullshit about Nichols and Rafelson and Ashby and Altman and Rudolph flicks simply because they played the late show constantly, but I’ve seen about 2 Kurosawas, zero Bergman and one Fellini.

  43. jeffmcm says:

    Scooter, the above IOI post was actually directed at me – I know it’s hard to tell, because he’s increasingly writing his posts in an obscure, downright James Joycean personal code with little reference to anything outside his own head.
    Anyway, the point is, my vision of IOI is that of a very young, very skinny (because of a high, nervous, frantic metabolism), very tic-ridden, very socially awkward fellow. (Please note – I am no Don Juan, much less a Don Cornelius.) And since I think he’s indicated in that past that he’s African-American, while refusing to confirm or deny it, I’ve therefore planted the vision of the Chocolate Rain guy in my head as the image that combines all of those qualities.
    IOI, I hope that will allow you to stop hysterically and dishonestly labelling me a racist forever and ever, amen.

  44. jeffmcm says:

    Oh, and Lex? Zero Bergmans? There’s this new invention called ‘taking time out of your masturbation schedule to watch movies you’ve never seen before’, let me know and I’ll send you an instructional pamphlet.

  45. LexG says:

    Hey Sassy/Drunk McDouche, can you please name the Bergman titles that feature Megan Fox?
    What’s that? None? Then why would I watch a movie WITH NO HOT SQUACK over a movie WITH HOT SQUACK?
    That aside, I got a few in MY QUEUE, but I gotta get through like 20 TV shows before I get to sleep through Virgin Spring and wish it was more like Last House.

  46. Bibi Andersson was pretty gosh darn pretty in Wild Strawberries.

  47. Joe Leydon says:

    LexG: Well, there’s a pretty damn hot monologue in Bergman’s Persona I think you might appreciate.

  48. The Big Perm says:

    I would have loved to have Netflix when I was younger and was heavier into my art film phase…but there’s something to be said about having to track down a VHS of El Topo in the one store in DC that would carry a bootleg of it. Now it’s just so easy to get anything. But hell, maybe that time is better chasing down squack anyway.
    Personally, I miss how channels used to show a double feature monster movie or kung fu lineup every Sat.

  49. Martin S says:

    That’s a great subject. For each generation the screen gets smaller and the access easier. So what you saw on scratchy 16mm was still bigger than anyone else until possibly rear-projectors of the 80’s. Those beat up prints were closer in scope to what the creators intended then VHS or cable, so the proportions of scale, angles and actor visibility you saw were more accurate. You see the repercussions in people like McG and Kevin Smith who are literally learning to frame with each movie. Cronenberg was the only director who purposely shot 1:33 because he knew more people would see his work at home than in theater.
    As for value, movies take a hit in a number of ways. Where box size could make or break a format like VHS v Beta and change an industry, we’re now entering an era of Terabyte external media drives, HD compression codecs and cloud storage. What’s HBO’s relevancy when I can build a deeper database with instant access? So the magic of catching Night of The Comet without a clue of what to expect is gone. The biggest downfall is the gatherer instinct mutates into “the collector” mentality and kicks into overdrive, further devaluing work into the abstract idea of “content”.
    The problem the industry has is that too many people have made a nice living off the old model and do not want to adapt. So Cameron goes bigger, Soderbergh smaller and both hope they find a new model that can attain the same return. You can see how both are going to eventually split; Cameron’s will require less and less human involvement but greater technology while Soderbergh will eventually merge dramatic/comedic film and a section of cable in a way we’re not expecting. The variable is naturally the web which Cameron’s road is not going to be able to infuse as well as Soderbergh’s. It’s going to take a break in management, someone who can make overhauls that’s not pushing retirement, for things to gel and the next industry boom.

  50. Eric says:

    I wish there was Netflix when I was younger and actually had time to watch and appreciate a ton of movies. Adult life leaves me with time to watch a couple of movies a week now, tops.
    Back in the day I spent all my time in my bedroom and always had a movie playing on VHS in the background. I would get through three movies a day on school days, and four or five on weekend days. But it was all limited to whatever I had recorded off of HBO.
    If I had Netflix then, I can only imagine how much better my taste in cinema would be now.

  51. christian says:

    I grew up on HBO midwest before it became national, so I saw TAXI DRIVER, DELIVERANCE, LAST PICTURE SHOW and other classics via cable. Along with HOUSE BY THE LAKE, TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN, and THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE. S it was a nice buffet.

  52. Joe Leydon says:

    A sad note: How many of you watched Farrah Fawcett’s bids for movie stardom — Somebody Killed Her Husband, Saturn 3, Sunburn — on HBO?

  53. christian says:

    I saw SATURN 3 opening day. That’s how committed I was. The rest, HBO.

  54. Triple Option says:

    Martin S wrote: The biggest downfall is the gatherer instinct mutates into “the collector” mentality and kicks into overdrive, further devaluing work into the abstract idea of “content”.
    Interesting construct, Martin. From what POV are you speaking? Are you talking about volumes of films being sorta archived away and forgotten? Please elaborate.
    I didn

  55. christian says:

    Thanks to HBO, how else would I have seen ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE six times? Or UNDER THE RAINBOW once? Or every other slasher film of the 80’s? Or a very interesting lost little action comedy film called RUNNING SCARED with Judge Rheinhold? Or the awesome, utterly bad-azz and forgotten ATTACK FORCE Z with Mel Gibson and John Phillip Law. A stoic, non-stop squib-fest.
    And I watched ON THE RIGHT TRACK about ten times. I have no idea why. Tho CHU CHU AND THE PHILLY FLASH I couldn’t get through once.
    But it was exciting when you spent the night at your friend’s to watch ANIMAL HOUSE at midnight for the first time. Or when we had Spectravisionor which showed hardcore xxx movies after midnight. I had friends clamoring.
    But there was still mystery, which is gone now.

  56. LexG says:

    Christian: YEP.
    I was six through 11 during the HBO heyday, and EVERY KID IN CLASS in elementary school would come in the next morning reenacting their favorite lines from Caddyshack, Blues Brothers, Animal House and Porky’s.
    And those are just the big guns, but yes, there were HUNDREDS of flicks that today would be as INSTANTLY FORGOTTEN as “Loser” or “Saving Silverman,” but to guys our age were round-the-clock classics:
    Up the Academy, GOIN’ APE, Take this Job and Shove It, Last Chase, Looker, Wolfen, Nighthawks, GAS, Serial, So Fine, PATERNITY WITH BURT REYNOLDS, OH HEAVENLY DOG, REVENGE of the Pink Panther (and Trail and Curse), GREEN ICE, Paradise Alley, Simon, anything with MICHAEL LEMBECK, Revenge of the Ninja, Rollover, SPHINX, STAR CHAMBER, Outland, The Entity, Final Terror, NIGHT SCHOOL, etc etc etc.
    Side issue:
    Remember when NETWORK TV used to CHANGE THE TITLE OF A BIG THEATRICAL MOVIE that flopped? “Hangar 18” would become INVASION FORCE, or “Big Wednesday” became SUMMER OF INNOCENCE, or “Ffolks” because NORTH SEA HIJACK!
    Man, I can’t in a million years imagine this today… like when DUPLICITY hits DVD, someone changes the title to CORPORATE INTRIGUE.

  57. christian says:

    And I never woulda seen Mazursky’s unusual TEMPEST nor Cassavetes fantastic GLORIA. Or the unfairly maligned STUDENT BODIES. Or DAYS OF HEAVEN. Or STRIPES. Or THE SILENT PARTNER. Or S.O.B. Or THE THIEF WHO CAME TO DINNER…

  58. The Big Perm says:

    We never had HBO which, after seeing Lex’s list, was probably a good thing…or I would have wasted way too many hours watching those relatively horrible movies. But I had my VHS tapes, so I was able to do the same thing with RoboCop or Temple of Doom (I never owned Raiders).

  59. Wrecktum says:

    Here’s my question…a lot of the movies Lex mentions were rated R and wouldn’t be played on HBO until after 8pm. Since my parents were actually parents and would parent me, there’s no way they’d let me watch PORKY’S on HBO when I was nine years old. So…did you have a second TV hidden upstairs or did you have drunken parents who didn’t care that their nine year old son was watching Porky’s in the den while they were playing cribbage or cleaning the kitchen after dinner?

  60. LexG says:

    Porky’s was kind of a different story, since it was positively filthy, so that one I sat out until 12 or 13, but trust me, there were dudes whose parents full-on watched that shit with them and they’d come into school the next day regaling all of us. That would’ve hit pay in early ’83, and there was this future pothead who could recite the entire movie at age 10.
    Caddyshack, Animal House and Stripes were pretty tame beyond some fleeting nudity. Seems like most kids’ parents would flip over to the news or something for 20 seconds during those bits.

  61. LexG says:

    Don’t forget about the immortal BUSTIN’ LOOSE with Richard Pryor. Which is essentially a kids’ movie, with Richard toting around a van full of special needs kid, but they still let Pryor do his act, F-words and all, and it’s rated R, even though content wise it’s almost strictly for very young kids.
    Imagine a studio putting that out TODAY, like having a cute talking animal movie but still have Eddie Murphy droppin’ F-bombs like it’s “Delirious.”

  62. christian says:

    Saw BUSTIN’ LOOSE in the theater. Peopleforget it was a pretty big Pryor hit for R-rated kiddie comedy. The scene with Pryor and the Klan helping the bus of children – priceless.
    My parent sat in the room as we watched HOUSE BY THE LAKE and STRIPES. Good Lord. They were cool.

  63. Joe Leydon says:

    Or a secene where the little girl, used to life as a child prostitute, starts to come on to Pryor. Uh, I don’t think so.

  64. Martin S says:

    Bustin Loose…my god, I haven’t thought about that movie in decades. Chappelle could have gotten away with a quasi-remake, before he went hemp-nuts.
    Trip – The POV of the consumer. Hunter/Gatherer, Creator/Consumer. The instinct to gather for survival migrates into collecting since society has changed how we gather. Impulse buying is another off-shoot. Passive entertainment – movies, music, books – only requires the consumer to get it with the belief they’re going to use it. But mass digital storage allows the collector to keep adding because the basket can never really be filled. Justification “once xyz is done, I’ll start watching”, so they keep collecting because it takes up no real, visible space.

Quote Unquotesee all »

It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon