BYOB Recovery
Sorry to be slack this last 24 hours… TIFF just kinda snuck up and hit me… here is some space for y’all in the meantime…
April 16, 2024
BYOB
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BYOB: 235 Years Of Relative independence
BYOB Weekend: Hop, An April Fool’s Gag?
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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?
So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.
And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.
There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.
I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.
So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.
But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”
My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher
“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.
~ David Simon
I’m excited for the upcoming genre-centric of movies. “Surrogates,” “Paranormal Activity” and “Capitalism” all look worth seeing…and willing to give “Pandorum” a shot as a big Ben Foster fan…
Looks like “Coco Before Chanel” may not get Tatou a nom after all. After its initial buzz, its reviews are declining steadily, a lot like “Informant!”
Oh yeah…and there’s “The Boys are Back” and “The Damn United.”
Plus, “Fame” signals the beginning of the end of the mini-renaissance in musicals!
Has anyone else noticed how strange the October release calendar is?
After the glut of September with too many films for any sane person to keep track of, October features two weekends in which one–and only one–film is scheduled for wide release.
Oct. 9 brings “Couples Retreat,” and the Oct. 30th weekend’s only wide break is the Michael Jackson concert rehearsal doc.
Wouldn’t it make sense to, say, move “Law Abiding Citizen” to Oct. 9th and push up November 6th’s “The Fourth Kind” to the 30th?
Just a thought.
Not only that, movieman, but the 10/2 weekend brings FOUR wide releases: Whip It, Zombieland, Invention of Lying, and the Toy Story double feature in 3-D. All but Toy Story moved into this spot when Shutter Island vacated, presumably because studios sensed a lot of money being left on the table, because I’m thinking Shutter Island would’ve made bank in that slot. It’ll probably do fine in February, but 10/2 is just about the perfect release date on this year’s calendar for a grown-up-but-pulpy, star-heavy horror/thriller.
Which prompts the question: why did they move Shutter Island again? I understand it probably won’t be a big Oscar movie and they didn’t want to spend Oscar money, but, uh… they don’t have to just because it’s an October release, do they? Couples Retreat is merely an extremely commercial-looking October release; it’s not going to get an Oscar campaign cash suck. I know, Couples Retreat isn’t Scorsese coming off of his Best Picture/Director combo, but that should make them even less Oscar-hungry/status-conscience, since dude finally has his award.
The 10/2 crew also creates a needless comedy gridlock; all of them have comedy/crowd-pleasing elements, as does Couples Retreat (sight unseen, all of ’em; just going by genre/trailers/concepts/stars/etc.). So you get five comedies in two weeks, and then a relatively spare three-weekend stretch where there’s one family-oriented movie (Wild Things) and a bunch of stuff chasing a similar audience (Step Father remake, Law Abiding Citizen, Saw VI) that shouldn’t be scaring anyone off of their dates.
So yes, moving Law Abiding to 10/9 (or, uh, spring) would make sense, as would moving Fourth Kind to Halloween, as would shuffling one of the comedies (Lying or Zombieland) to later in the month.
As a fan, though, the 10/2 weekend is pretty awesome; I want to see all of those new movies, I want to see the Toy Story reissue, and in NYC we get a new Coen Brothers movie. But when someone like me, who is willing to see three or four movies in a weekend if necessary to keep up, is figuring out what to push back to later in the month, your schedule is probably overcrowded.
After the disappearance of Shutter Island, there isn’t a single film remaining this year that I really want to see. I’ve never been able to say that in September.
No way Joe! “Zombieland,” “Paranormal Activity” and especially “Where the Wild Things Are” are movies I’m actually more excited to see than anything that came down the pipe this summer. Except maybe “Inglourious Basterds.”
Plus “Tree of Life,” “Up in the Air” and “The Road” and I’m still excited for new films!
“Oct. 9 brings “Couples Retreat,” and the Oct. 30th weekend’s only wide break is the Michael Jackson concert rehearsal doc.”
Well, there’s some demonic possesion movie starring Shannon Elizabeth plus the latest attempt by a HSM other than Zac Efron to reach success called “Freestyle” scheduled to go wide then I believe…but in all fairness they’ll both probably tank.
Also, I seriously doubt “Boondock Saints 2,” Magnolia’s Satanic horror flick, and the batshit-insane looking “Gentlemen Broncos” all go limited on October 30…but then again Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, which basically destroys that weekend.
I’m stunned at the sparsity of this fall’s offerings. I’ll never forget the weekend in 2007 when I binged on Into the Wild, Assassination of Jesse James, Lust Caution, Michael Clayton, and The Darjeeling Limited in one 72-hr period.
All I’ve seen so far this month are The September Issue and Lorna’s Silence. And now I’m like, “Uh, Whip It looks cute…”
All of which may explain why SPC thought it was a smart move to pick up Get Low. Yeah, I know, I’m starting to sound like a cheerleader for the movie. But look at it this way: Except for George Clooney, can you think of many mortal locks for Best Actor nominations at this point? So IMHO, it makes sense to launch a campaign for Robert Duvall. Actually, it would also make sense to launch a campaign for Hal Holbrook as well, provided enough of the right people see That Evening Sun.
BOONDOCK II: ALL SAUNTS DAY. YEP YEP. 47 MIL OPENING WEEKEND. TAKE IT TO THE BANK. The demand for it is INSANE and like a Tyler Perry flick, you will never see it coming.
REEDUS POWER.
Also: NEW MOON. FANNING + K-STEW = 700 MIL.
How come WB didn’t move up the AWESOME-LOOKING “Book of Eli” so Denzel and the Hughes Brothers could DECIMATE the fall with their blitzkreig of hardcore mayhem? There’s still plenty of awesome looking aforementioned shit in ’09, but ELI is the next thing that for me is a Mann/Scorsese/Bay/Ridley-Tony/Greegrass-level “Holy shit/take the day off work and see it six times” kind of excitement.
Also, “Tree of Life” is the worst title in years. I always hear it in some reverent, whispered hushed tones by some New Agey douche: “The TREE of LIFE!” Just SO beyond douchey and embarrassing. I get embarrassed even hearing it, like Malick called it “THE CORN OF WONDER!” or something equally bunk.
LexG: Aren’t you in mourning for Robert Ginty?
Lex, where are you going to ‘hear’ people talking about movies? From my understanding, your life consists of 12 hours at your job, 11 hours at your apartment, and one hour left over for commuting and hanging out in grocery stories spying on women.
Joe: That’s sad. I actually never saw (!) the original Exterminator, but EXTERMINATOR 2 is pure Cannon ownage; Ginty was like the early version of Crowe in “American Gangster,” crossed with Christopher Walken’s hair in “Dogs of War.”
Get excited about “A Serious Man.” It’s terrific. But lower those “Damned United” expectations,EthanG
The original EXTERMINATOR is unforgettable grindhouse sleaze.
I’m sure “Serious Man” is great and all, but I only “get excited” about Coens when they do crime/suspense/violence shit. It’s like, YOU GUYS CAN DO *THAT* (ie, Fargo, No Country, Blood Simple) with the intensity and precision of Hitchcock, but still every other movie you have to do some snarky beige-hued mugfest?
It’d be like if Michael Mann or David Lynch, who are so brilliant at their awesome niche, wasted everybody’s time with some slapstick bowler-hat and banana-peel comdies in between their masterworks.
Also, this makes me sound like a shallow asshole, but kind of hard to get excited about a movie with literally NO ONE in it you’ve ever heard of (oh, wait, Richard Kind, sorry.) Which CLEARLY means no hot squack.
Like, again, sure it’s good, but if this no-star 1.85:1 sepia-beige movie opens up against some megaviolent, colorful action flick with some A-list star and some hot chick… how can it NOT feel like medicine in contrast?
COENS, YOU NEED TO PUMP UP THE COLORS. Your movies are TOO TAN and POLITE-LOOKING. PRIMARY COLORS, BOYS.
Re: “The Exterminator”- Christian nailed it. For all the revenge movies being made today, that one is still one of the kings when it comes to excessive payback against criminal slime (SPOILERS: bad guys get lowered into meat grinders, eaten alive by rats, pedophiles get shot in the balls with .44 Magnums, etc.). ‘Course I haven’t seen it in years, so I don’t know how kind time has been to it.
Lex, the thing is, I can understand why you like Michael Bay and Tony Scott and all that — I like some of that too, when Bay isn’t being the biggest idiot ever, which unfortunately is usually — but why on earth would someone who watches plenty of those movies want BRIGHT PRIMARY COLORS in a Coen Brothers movie? I love the bejesus out of Wes Anderson but I sure as hell don’t complain that Tony Scott’s movies don’t have precise comic-strip-with-deep-focus framing or Kinks songs cues.
Also, Blood Simple is one of the weakest Coen movies. Raising Arizona, O Brother, Lebowski, Hudsucker… all better. Also also, half the fun of Coen Brothers movies is their knack for casting perfect character actors, so I’m fine with A Serious Man going ALL OUT character-actor/stage-actor/nobody famous.
I agree that the fall looks a bit weak, especially after a pretty strong first eight months. I could make a decent top ten list now with the likes of Up, The Brothers Bloom, Inglourious Basterds, Adventureland, Observe & Report, Star Trek, Public Enemies, Funny People, Away We Go, Girlfriend Experience/Informant, Moon, Thirst… whereas my super-excitements for the rest of the year can be boiled down to:
A Serious Man (10/2)
Where the Wild Things Are (10/16)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (11/13)
Avatar (12/18)
Up in the Air (11/13)
The Box (11/6)
The Men Who Stare at Goats (11/6)
Sherlock Holmes (12/25)
Zombieland (10/2)
Also 2012 because that movie looks bananas. But seriously, what are the odds that all ten of those movies will be awesome? Not great. Those last three, I’m just hoping they’re as entertaining as the trailers imply.
Blood Simple is in many ways, up until No Country, their most perfect movie. Both have that super-late-night, underpopulated, quiet, backroads crime movie vibe with sustained set pieces played out with minimal dialogue. Maybe a personal preference, but I LOVE that milieu… just seems super-exciting and sparse and minimalist and primal. It’s like Spielberg once “Jaws” gets out on the boat with the three guys, or “Halloween” in the last half-hour… pure visceral sparsity that works beautifully because there’s zero bullshit clogging up the works.
And it affords those guys fewer opportunities to fall back on their default mode of blustering blowhards yelling into the camera lens.
Others I’m looking forward to that haven’t seen on this thread:
Splice
Precious
Broken Embraces
Black Dynamite
Ong Bak 2
Ninja Assasin
“But lower those “Damned United” expectations,EthanG”
‘The Damned United’ is awesome. If there’s any justice at all then Michael Sheen should romp to a long overdue Best Actor Oscar nomination. The fact that he probably won’t has more to do with 99% of Academy voters not having the first clue who Brian Clough was, rather than any reflection on as good a performance as i’ve seen this year.
Maybe it’s the minimal dialogue that weakens Blood Simple for me. One thing I value most about the Coens is that they seem truly in love with language, not in a self-important or flowery way, but just in the pure weirdness of human expression. The stoned BS rhythms of Lebowski and the blustery farce of O Brother are just so much fun to listen to, and so much more than blowhards yelling (although I do love their recurring image of the fat hollering man — usually, I should note, not the main focus of any of their movies). I’ve always found the charge that they’re arch and smarty-pants somewhat puzzling; no one could tell me they (the Coens, I mean) don’t adore the characters in O Brother Where Art Thou. Both the goofy stuff and the crime stuff comes off as more interesting to me in contrast to one another; if every movie of theirs was as much of a grim (if extremely taut) death march as No Country (which I also loved), I doubt I’d have so much use for them.
Lex, I think the problem is that you’re a smart guy with pretty tin-eared taste in comedy. Like Roger Ebert!
EthanG, I hope Ninja Assassin is cool (I liked V for Vendetta and even loved Speed Racer and liked a lot of the Matrix sequels)… but the trailer gives off a distinct “here is all of the cool stuff scraped out and mashed together” vibe, like one of those videogamey movies like Hitman or Max Payne that looks visually interesting and slick, but when you actually sit down to watch it, is horribly, crushingly boring and boilerplate.
Off topic a bit buuuut…
When I heard Michael Moore last week on NPR he mentioned that Wendell Cooper, the health care industry whistleblower dude, had a list of film critics who were “encouraged” to follow right-wing talking points when “reviewing” “Sicko.” He spilled the beans on Bill Moyer.
I found the Moyer interview including a transcipt and pdf’s of the plan of attack to discredit “Sicko,” but I can’t find a list of the critics who were on-board with this. Does anyone know anything about it?? Names or publications??
Granted, Moore could have been full of it when he said there were film critics, but any help would be appreciated.
i saw the informant last night. easily the worst piece of shit i’ve seen this year. its like soderbergh’s attempt to make a ‘comedy’ with broad music and small roles filled by funny people but w/o a single funny moment.
I could almost hear Soderbergh shout “FUCK YOU! I Made a comedy without comedy.”
What a pointless piece of shit. And whoever brought up Damon in the Oscar talks, please tell me you were being sarcastic.
I also saw The Informant – I really liked it, very funny and good awkward humor. Kind of reminded me of one of my favorite underrated films of the past decade, Shattered Glass – you just can’t help but be entertained by how pathetic the main character can be. Damon does a fantastic job, as does Scott Bakula – where has he been???
But I do agree with the recurring gripe about the Marvin Hamlish music and weird ’70’s fonts – what’s the real point? The movie takes place in the early to mid ’90’s, it’s just bizarre and does distract at times.
And I am truly quite embarassed to admit this but wow…..I actually laughed out loud at the Old Dogs trailer, sorry. The Disney marketing folks really did their job in pulling together some strong bits – Robin Williams with the depth perception problem and Seth Green sitting in that gorilla’s lap – and the older cineaste crowd I saw the movie all laughed too, in spite of themselves.
Hey, I gotta ask, but it’s unlikely – any chance that The Cove is going to be re-released? It was in Chicago for like two weeks and I am still bummed I missed it. I always try to see at least one documentary in theaters every few months and I also missed Tyson and Food, Inc.
And finally, Dave, I am going to harp on this…..where is your remembrance of Patrick Swayze????? Face it, the guy was an icon and a pretty rare bird – a song and dance man and an action guy. Kind of like how Hugh Jackman has tried to become, but he has not done nearly as many iconic roles or movies.
Anghus: Sorry, you are wrong (Yes it’s an opinion, but give me some slack man!), but better luck next time. The Informant is freakin tremendous, and I imagine it will get better with repeated viewings.
That aside, the Fall looks all sorts of strong to me. I have been looking to it for a while now because of two words… NEW MOON!
IO: YES, NEW MOON! YOU KNOW IT.
FANNING + K-STEW = ATOMIC MEGAOWNAGE.
THEY SHOULD PUT KNEELERS IN THE THEATERS SO EVERYONE CAN BOW.
Wtf? What is the appeal of New Moon for guys??? K-Stew and the other chicks?? Lisa Pea from Adventureland was hotter than all of Stewart’s co-stars in New Moon…so do yall have man crushes on Pattinson and Lauttner or what?
EthanG, you best get on your knees and BOW TO THE STEW after talking that blasphemy.
Marguerita Levieva or however you spell it (Lisa P) is hot but SHE IS NOT THE STEW.
There is K-STEW, there is THE FOX, there is BIEL, and then there is… ALL OTHER WOMEN WHO MUST BOW.
K-STEW 4 LIFE. Also: FANNING POWER plus the weird-ass Michael Sheen/Hellboy looking otherworldly knights shit in this looks so weird and awesome, it’s like the EXORCIST II version of a Twilight sequel.
Well, there’s some demonic possesion movie starring Shannon Elizabeth plus the latest attempt by a HSM other than Zac Efron to reach success called “Freestyle” scheduled to go wide then I believe…but in all fairness they’ll both probably tank.
Also, I seriously doubt “Boondock Saints 2,” Magnolia’s Satanic horror flick, and the batshit-insane looking “Gentlemen Broncos” all go limited on October 30…but then again Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, which basically destroys that weekend.
That Shannon Elizabeth horror flick got pushed back to 2010 (and will probably end up as a direct-to-dvd release).
And–according to Box Office Mojo and Filmjerk–“Broncos” and “Boondock” are still listed as limited releases in “major markets.”
At present, only one wide release studio film is scheduled for the weekends of October 9th and 30th. Hopefully sanity will ultimately prevail and there will be more shake-ups between now, then and year’s end.
Maybe if “Paranormal Activity” takes off the way that Paramount is hoping this weekend they can put it into 2,000+ theaters on the 30th….or even–if they can make the prints fast enough–the 9th.
On a related note, has anyone noticed the serious dearth of “Oscar consideration” runs of “limited release at Xmas; wide in January” studio films slated for the end of ’09?
Except for “Lovely Bones” (which was originally supposed to go wide in December) and “Inviticus,” none of the majors seem to be playing their usual awards-hunting games.
Weird.
Is that another cost-cutting move?
I seriously doubt whether the new Malick film (“Tree of Life”) is really opening in December. And if it is, they’re sure doing a damn good job of keeping it under wraps.
LexG, Im aware of your obsession with K-Stew. But why is “New Moon” any better than “Adventureland” is there an inherrent desire to see Pattinson and Lauttner glitter themselves up? Yeah it has some other how chicks. Better than Lisa Pea? No.
Movieman, Imdb and Dread Central still list it as October 9, though Mojo may be more up to date in that case. However, they aren’t in the case of “Freestyle,” which is getting a wide release that date according to everyone but Mojo.
Yeah it lists “Gentleman Broncos,” “Boondocks” and the Magnolia She-devil halloween flick as limited…just like it listed some movie called “The Pool Boys” as a wide release for this coming weekend up until a few days ago. Mojo is not as accurate as people like to think.
Ethan- You’re right about Mojo screwing up more often than not (the last I looked, they were still listing the Farrelly’s “Untited Three Stooges Movie” as a December release; hoho).
Personally I’m relieved that “Pool Boys” (whatever the hell that Matthew Lillard starrer is) disappeared from this weekend’s already crowded slate.
But I’m still not feeling a wide release for any of those “limited release”–as of this writing anyway–Oct. 30th films. Searchlight and “wide release” don’t usually go hand-in-hand (and they’ve already got “Amelia” opening on October 23rd), Apparition probably still lacks the marketing muscle to go wide with anything just yet (least of all a movie that should have gone straight to dvd in the first place) and Magnolia’s last w-r film was….? Hmmm; has Magnolia ever had a truly wide release film?
I actually saw a trailer of that Freestyle pic with the “HSM” dude (it may have been before “Bandslam” last month), but I’m not exactly holding my breath that it sees the light of day in theaters. Nor do I care since it looks like sheer and utter crap.
Speaking of Freestyle, I finally caught up with “My One and Only” today and had a very pleasant time although it probably would have fared better as an HBO original movie. Zellweger would have been guaranteed Golden Globe and Emmy nomnations, and the film would surely have found a larger–and more
receptive–audience on pay cable. Like a lot of the movies I saw in Toronto (including “Get Low”–sorry, Joe), it felt a tad anachronistic in the 2009 marketplace.
Freestyle deserves props, though, for being the company (usually associated with “Collector”-style dreck) that’s finally bringing Linklater’s terrific “Me and Orson Welles” into theaters this November. How many theaters–’cause it sure as hell ain’t ever gonna go wide–remains to be seen.
Reading Lex’s rants against cartoons than his girlie love for this cheesy high-school vampire bullshit…well, I guess Walt Whitman knew what he was on about.
wait wait wait wait… good conversation happening here– I love to hear the differing opinions on New Moon and the Informant[!]– but there is a particularly exciting film being released that is being ommited– Where the Wild Things Are, being released October 16. Is this film going to slip under the radar? I believe it would have been better marketing to release it either on or around thanksgiving or christmas– but will it be simply passed over, nothing to account for its demise besides a translucent marketing campaign?
Someone did mention it before also, so I am aware it has been mentioned, but I don’t think anyone responded to that.
And woh!… I am a bit embarrassed to admit this but I think Cirque du Freak looks like a good time– what are your thoughts?
I need to see this Exterminator movie.
I only know about my own opinion, but Cirque du Freak looks pretty bad to me. I’ve never seen John C. Reilly look so bored anywhere before.
Searchlight frequently releases films in wide release. Recent examples include Notorious, Street Kings, The Secret Life of Bees and My Life in Ruins.
Anywho, theres confirmation that “Freestyle” is contractually obligated to be released wide so there goes October 9 to a bomb.
Yeah Magnolia has a spotty record…but I think they have a slot to open a horror film on halloween weekend…Broncos isn’t confirmed as limited other than by studio speculation and Boondocks is “wait and see” so….wait and see?
I just bought and rewatched my favorite film of the eyar so far, “Observe and Report” and simply cannot figure out how or why this film didn’t do better business. Part of me wants to call people stupid and say they just didn’t get it/expected a raunchy “Paul Blart” but that can’t be the only reason.
The movie is so different and funny and gross and sad….just, great shit. Baffling that it wasn’t bigger or more loved. Then again, I do kind of remember seeing it at SXSW and thinking there’s no way it would find an audience. But still. Damned people.
Cynical movies with unsympathetic lead characters don’t tend to sit well with the masses — especially if the star and premise seem familiar from kinder, gentler films.
I liked Observe and Report, felt it got very mischaracterized by a lot of critics…but am in no way surprised that it didn’t do well.
Don’t worry Don. Observe and Report’s critical standing will only rise through the years. Like many movies of its time (think Fight Club), it faces resistance from people who don’t want to realize how close to the bone it really cuts.
I don’t know, guys…for a cutting black comedy, I didn’t think it was that cutting or that funny (or really, even that dark).
I thought the same thing about SHAKES THE CLOWN.
it waz funny az hell when that mall cop bangs that hot chick whose passed out. fuck yeah
Fuck it, LEZ LIVEN THIS BITCH UP.
BOO-YAH, TA-DOW YEP YEP.
How can I get LAAAAAAAAAAAID? I am hornier than anyone has ever been in the HISTORY OF HORNINESS. I am very depressed. I am very, very, VERY depressed and just want SOME SEX. Why is this SO IMPOSSIBLE? Does vag even still EXIST? My mind is a-blur, people.
How can I GET LAID? I have NO ACTIVITIES, NO female acquaintances except some long-term platonic friends where I’m in the FRIENDZONE and they’re OVER 30 anyway (BOOOOOOOO).
What I’m talking about is some MODERN-DAY HOTNESS, like the kind of chicks who are SUPER THIN and wear BOOTY SHORTS and have TRAMP STAMPS and want to GET BANGED then hopefully I will NEVER, NEVER have to see them again, because sex is the most shameful and evil shit ever (raised Cath-lic, WOOT WOOT, SEX IS THE DEBBIL), and can only be achieved between two people WHO WILL NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.
YEP YEP. I’ve been going to STRIP CLUBS several times a week but it’s just kind of DEPRESSING and DREARY, and it feels like a USED CAR LOT… like, hey, lady, I know you need to make a buck, but I’ve ALREADY HAVE SIX LAPDANCES from a CHICK WHO WAS ACTUALLY HOT. Now go sell your wares elsewhere. Plus when I get home I’m barely worked up enough to handle ‘nass because it’s all a con anyway.
Anyway, there are a lot of OLD MOTHERFUCKERS who post here, and many of you (or, all two or three of you who are hetero) must have wives of some sort. Any chance you might want to get those Yentas out of the house for 11 minutes or so, so the Lexman can handle shit and unleash a fucking McFlurry? MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I’ve joined a bunch of sex sites and I peruse C****list several times an hour, but nothing pans out. I don’t want another RELATIONSHIP AT ALL, because what could be more indulgent and tiresome, it’s only possible to be attracted to someone once.
But does anyone here watch SONS OF ANARCHY? Of course not, because everyone here’s a douche.
Anyway, this season Peg Bundy has been assaulted and is being physically and emotionally closed off to RON PERLMAN. Perlman has gone like FOUR DAYS without banging his old-ass wife, and is GOING INSANE, so she gives him FULL DISPENATION to go bang a PORN ACTRESS.
WHERE DOES THIS HAPPEN? And how are there people who act like vag is an aliable right? It’s some shit that falls into your lap like once or twice every eight or nine years. As a MAN, how can you not be SO REPULSED by your hairy ass that you PURSUE WOMEN? You’re a dude. YOU ARE DISGUSTING. I can’t believe EVERY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET isn’t a lesbian, because WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL and men are the slimiest, smelliest, hairiest, most clueless and repulsive things EVER. ALL MEN should have ZERO CONFIDENCE and should PROCEED WITH SHAME in every avenue of their lives. What the fuck is MACHISMO? “AH YEAH, GIRL I’M GONNA DO THIS AND THAT TO YOU.” FUCK CONFIDENCE. It’s for ASSHOLES.
Okay, I went off track and probably annoyed the bossman, but the QUESTION STANDS:
How does ANYONE HAVE SEX EVER? Especially if you live with your wife?
DO YOU CUT WITH THE WRIST VEIN OR AGAINST IT?
FUCK THE FUCK YEAH MAYBE THEY’LL PUT ME IN THE CLINK WITH ALL THOSE ASSPIECE VAG FROM “GIRL INTERRUPTED.”
“BOOM BOOM BOOM, DAMN
187, L.A. TRADEMARK
DON’T COME TO THE KILLING FIELDS
IF YOU AIN’T GOT NO FUCKING HEART”
FUCK YEAH, ANGER HOSTILITY TOWARDS THE OPPOSITION.
I completely agree that many critics (or moviegoers) saw a little too much of themselves in Ronnie Barnhardt and that hurt the film. I always find the loudest critics of Kevin Smith films-ESPECIALLY “Clerks 2”- see too much of Randall or Dante in themselves to approve of the film. David alluded to how critics seem to freak out and push away any film that makes them feel.
But yeah, I kinda knew it wouldn’t resonate with audiences, but part of me always hoped it would. Then again, like Scott said, it might find love farther down the line. It’s been heavily, HEAVILY downloaded illegally since it’s release.
Except Clerks 2 was pretty unfunny and lame. Smith is the guy I always want to like, but never quite can.
That Coen Brothers movie is D.O.A. Focus Features cannot promote anything without references to Academy Awards and other movies. That explains why Focus has yet to have a big mainstream hit.
“Capitalism: A Love Story” looks iffy. You wonder if Michael Moore will come off hard on Bush and soft on Obama.
“Coco Before Chanel”? It’s from Sony Classics, which won’t distribute through regular Columbia and doesn’t want its fare in megaplexes.
“The Damned United”? Also from Sony Classics, though you won’t figure it out unless you follow the footy. Manchester United are not involved with this one.
That “Step Father” remake? It’s called “The Stepfather” and it’s not chasing a slasher/horror audience — see the trailer for proof. Sony had the trailer included with prints of “Julie and Julia”.
@Jesse: “Shutter Island” was moved back for financial reasons that had to do with Viacom’s fiscal year. Mr. Poland reported about it on this blog last month.
Chucky In Jersey = DeeZee
Any movie with a donkey show is not unfunny dammit!
“That ‘Step Father’ remake? It’s called ‘The Stepfather’ and it’s not chasing a slasher/horror audience — see the trailer for proof.”
This is the craziest and most nonsensical part of Chucky’s posting, to me. The original movie was indeed called ‘The Stepfather’ and the new movie is clearly chasing a horror audience (I saw the trailer in front of Halloween II and Jennifer’s Body).
Anyone ever read The Onion’s awesome AV Club site? They have a lively crowd of commenters around there, including one particular charmer known as Zodiac Motherfucker who has for years been doing the sort of schtick that Lex does around here.
The folks that run the AV Club apparently have a soft spot for ZMF, because they asked him to record a commentary track for Crank 2 and they posted it for the world to hear.
http://www.avclub.com/articles/crank-2-downloadable-audio-commentary-by-zmf,33203/
ZMF and Lex are so similar that I would think they might be the same persona but I don’t think Lex could do ninety minutes straight. Instead, ZMF is like Lex without any of the self-esteem issues.
And Lex, I figured you might appreciate it because:
1. Statham owns, as ZMF points out
2. It’s real-life commenter wish-fulfillment
Enjoy!
to clarify– I never said that I thought Cirque Du Freak would be good or even not fucking terrible– i only said that Cirque Du Freak looks like a “good time”… I am a fan of sky high, but in no way believe it is a good film.
Not trying to be argumentative here– just want to clarify that yes, I expect this movie to be awful… but I certainly plan on getting super high and seeing it.
I agree with Chucky about the Coens’ A SERIOUS MAN. When you’ve got a surefire commercial premise such as the travails of a cuckolded Jewish physics professor seeking rabbinical advice in 1967, why muck it up with a lot of blather about Academy Awards? Give audiences some credit.
I agree Yancy, it sells itself. Just like giant shapeshifting robots beating the shit out of each other.
“When you’ve got a surefire commercial premise such as the travails of a cuckolded Jewish physics professor seeking rabbinical advice in 1967, why muck it up with a lot of blather about Academy Awards? Give audiences some credit.”
Snicker.
When Lex finally gets a mad dose of the clap and the herp from rubbing up on a skank, will he whine about that too?
I think it would be more along the lines:
I just got the HERP and the CLAP from a HOT STREET HOOKER. BOW.
“Focus Features cannot promote anything without references to Academy Awards and other movies. That explains why Focus has yet to have a big mainstream hit.”
Like “Coraline”? Or like “Brokeback Mountain”? How big of a hit are you talking?
“I just got the HERP and the CLAP from a HOT STREET HOOKER. BOW.”
It’d be more like “BOWCH.”
Cadavra, if you read this, I don’t know if you saw both movies, but HAUSU was absolutely delightful, and GOKE: BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL was quite enjoyable as well. Thanks if you had any part in either of those since I saw you at the Egyptian at the end of the night.
I like the COUPLES RETREAT TV ads where they’ve processed it to be in that PASTEL UNIVERSAL COMEDY SHEEN with the aquamarine tint and MALIN AKERMAN looks ridiculously hot in her BIKINIS and the flesh tones rule and it would be awesome if K-BELL and MALIN scissor each —
Ah, fuck it, fill in the rest. How hard does it have to be in a city with 8 million people to meet a new hot chick or talk to someone.
What are like some volunteer/activity type things where I can meet squack? I was taking an acting class for a few weeks but couldn’t afford it, plus it wasn’t for me, but there actually WERE young hot chicks in it.
But you guys ever join a class or a club where you start up and everyone’s kinda cliquish and resistant to talking to the NEW GUY? I’m not very good at breaking the ice. I’m not really shy per se, but — and don’t tell anyone — I AM A HUGE NARCISSIST, so if every conversation isn’t about ME and HOW GREAT I AM, I have a very hard time butting in and talking to long-term friends and trying to fit in with THE GROUP.
So like I’d go to class (as with other acting classes I’ve been to), and there’s usually at least one PURE DOUCHEBAG SERIOUS ACTOR guy in his late-20s with thick hair and a sub-Norton brooding persona, and every chick in the class is all talking to this dude like, “Yeah, we should meet at Priscilla’s to run lines together, and here’s my cell, and I have the hookup with my manager.”
And usually I’m hanging out gritting my teeth and the only one who’ll talk to me is like the SUPERFAT CHICK or the middle-aged housewife, and none of the YOUNG COOL actors talk to me, certainly not any chick who’s an ASSPIECE.
Then when it’s time to do scenes or pick partners I get stuck with McFatness or Oldness, or I’m like the last kid picked at dodgeball or something. And to expand that out, it doesn’t have to be about acting class… this can be ANYWHERE.
The only women who “get” my persona are like older women, cougars, and old ladies… Basically I don’t know how to work a room AT ALL and I have this problem that I SWEAR TO FUCK is true:
People have a VERY HARD TIME getting to know me, but people who are forced to work with me or live near me for long periods of time end up thinking I’m the funniest, most awesome person in the world. I can’t explain it, but this is why I was a BAD COMIC. Because it’s all about swagger and ESTALISHING YOUR PERSONA in three minutes. I’m too weird and potentially off-putting, and only after people are around it enough to they get the classic Lexian half-ironic, half-deadly-earnest overwrought hilarity that keeps them on their toes. I AM AN ACQUIRED TASTE. I have no idea how to sell that to a chick in five minutes, especially since my disgusting, ugly, repulsive, doughy, super ugly, ugly, horrific, ugliest appearance in the world appearance makes women vomit from the sheer force of my repulsivity.
By the same token, I don’t know how to sell that very weird and unlikable if original energy in an audition or a cold read.
If someone ever did give me a chance at performing, I might blow up as having invented some entirely new form of human behavior or creativity, but I damn sure don’t have the looks to break that ice.
Do you think a bank would issue me a personal loan of $700,000 to completely overhaul my appearance WULFGAR-STYLE via extensive plastic surgery? Like I want the difference to be as striking as when they turned Clouseau into Roger Moore in Curse of the Pink Panther.
HEY does anyone think it’s a good idea for me to self-publish some thinly veiled freeform fiction in novel form on Amazon?
Would anyone here buy it except jennab?
Or how about we skip Amazon and I skip actually writing it, and you all send me 20 bucks to my PO box so I can use it to get laid?
GOOD IDEA. CLICK CLICK BOOM.
Cougars are awesome. Most action I ever got was thus. Take heed.
ALL ENTERTAINERS COME ORIGINAL. 311 FUCK YES.
Anybody else HORNED UP AS FUCK? Why is IRONIC MISOGYNY *SOOOOOO* goddamn funny to me?
I AM SO GODDAMN HORNY (well except I’m buzzed as fuck and can’t even get mahogany to this CREAM PIE classic I’m watching as I type this.)
Oops that was probably too RIBALD.
But for real, what would your behavior and language be like if you knew you might go FIFTY MORE YEARS without having vagsex again? This existence is worse than marriage, literally.
I seriously CAN’T spend another 600-dollar night in a strip club, rolling up billz and throwing them in chick’s faces to MAKE IT RAIN YEP YEP.
What can I do? I pussy out every time I think of calling a service. I don’t know ANY women who aren’t in the FRIENDZONE.
Oh, and I have to go ACT this weekend (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) in some STUDENT FILM (HAHAHAHAHAHA) and there’s gonna be CHICKZ there, but YOU MU’FUCKIN’ KNOW they’re gonna inch away from me like I’m 1974 MEL FROM ALICE with my cock out in a dark alley, and swarm all over my Derek Jeter-looking “co-star.”
I’m thinking about canceling out on the shoot and just going to see SURROGATES then spanking it through an impromptu Sasha Grey marathon on OnDemand.
SOMEONE ACKNOWLEDGE THIS so I know I’m still alive. I’m not sure I even exist anymore.
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED IS THAT SO WROOOOOONG?
Er, actually I just want some VAG. HIT IT AND QUIT IT.
Do the shoot. If the director gets famous one day, you’ll be glad.
^ GOOD ADVICE
Quick joke:
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALL WOMEN, AND MUSSOLINI?
(What’s the difference between women and Mussolini…)
Occasionally Mussolini gave up the pussy.
3:20 update:
I am listening to YEAR OF THE CAT and I just watched my favorite porn starlet (you get three gueses but you won’t need them) just took about six pastings at one time and looks like an Entemann’s carrot cake.
Someone give me THREE REASONS why tomorrow even MIGHT be better.
IT WON’T. It will be the SAME FUCKING NIGHTMARE:
Wake up dehydrated at noon, take two hours to roll out of bed and take a shower, make fun of some people on Wells’ site, roll into work around 4, NOT TALK TO ANYONE, not meet any women, eat some shitty Subway for dinner at 6 (my first and only meal of the day), get stuck there all alone till 1 or 2am, go to 7-11 and buy a 12 pack of beer, come home, drink till six in the morning while watching porn and posting on the Hot Blog.
I’d say every day is worse or more torturuous than the one before, but fact is, they’re ALL THE SAME. And the prospect of doing my BAD ACTING this weekend is GUARANTEED to make me EIGHT TIMES AS DEPRESSED when none of the chicks on set want anything to do with me, and I go home second guessing all my LAME ACTING.
I should just START DRINKING from the split second I wake up.
Or start doing coke regularly.
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VAGINA and the VIRGIN MEGASTORE?
At least the Virgin USED to be open.
ZING.
What’s the difference between a HOT CHICK and some OLD-ASS GRANDMA?
At least the old chick probably likes getting fucked.
THIS IS SOME OF MY BEST MATERIAL EVER.
“LONELIEST MAN,” the upcoming novel by LEXG, coming soon to the Internet.
If you would honestly at least give it a chance, please vote for me to do it, it might give me a reason to be. I was enjoying making those funny videos but everyone hated them so much I had to give them up and now I just sit up all night getting crunk and punching myself in the face like my idol Tyler Durden.
I can’t believe to some people sex is in any way a regular, entitled occurence, and not just either some supernatural luckout that happens once every 11 years, OR some grinding same-old with someone you already know.
And whoever asked about that HERPES shit upthread? Doesn’t everyone who’s anyone in L.A. have that shit? I won’t name names, but per the gossip pages, at least FOUR of my VERY FAVORITE FAVORITES *allegedly* rock the scarlet H. So ain’t no thing AT ALL. Fuck, it would be a good entree into celebworld.
Now for my ENCORE, I’m going to go email Jeff McDouche a bunch of times about my cock. Maybe Frankdouche and Don Doucheis too.
Hey Big Perm gimme your email so you’re not left out. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
YEP, YEP, Y’ALL.
Now for my ENCORE, I’m going to go email Jeff McDouche a bunch of times about my cock. Maybe Frankdouche and Don Doucheis too.
Hey Big Perm gimme your email so you’re not left out. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
YEP, YEP, Y’ALL.
My theory on why you failed is because, if what you say is true that you don’t spend time working on material and just get up and do some shtick…well, that’s basically the opposite of what sucessful comics do.
YEP YEP
Lex you’re novel has unfortunately been published. It’s called LADIES MAN by Richard Price. Read it. Too many parallels for you to ignore.
Holy shit am I an asshole.
Sorry about some of the above bullshit… but that Virgin Megastore joke is the funniest thing you’ll hear all month.
I just woke up at 2:31. Fuck another night of working til 2am to make up for it.
I don’t even know how I can get through another day. Every moment is a nightmare of depression and loneliness.
I wish I could go to the beach. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean. (LONG DECEMBER reference.)
I’d just keep swimming like Burt in THE END then pussy out. Then I’d have scurvy from having swum (swam?) in that condom-and refuse-infested water.
Nope, time to put on the SMILEY FACE (minus Anna Faris being fun and eating cupcakes with me), so into an industrial bunker, and hope at MOST someone will ask how I’m doing.
I think I’ll have the Spicy Italian today. Yesterday I had the Cold Cut Trio. I like to mix it up.
I wish I was Charlie Hunnam. That dude seems pretty cool.
“You guys wanna play baseball?”
My beard is almost grown out enough I can shave a Tom Jane as Todd Parker stache and burns into it. Too bad I don’t have curly hair.
And too bad I weigh 90 pounds more than Tom Jane so I’ll just look like Tony fucking Clifton.
“I wish I was Charlie Hunnam. That dude seems pretty cool.”
Dude, he had to simulate sex a lot with guys on Queer as Folk.
Kiki, we have our own Sunshine (hopefully that guy is working in Canada. He ruled). So Charlie gets to be JAX TELLER from here onward. I do want to know what some big bad ass types would think. If they knew he did the UK Queer as Folk and starred in NICHOLAS NICKELBY! If they knew he did an Apatow sitcom. They might just plotz. So, yeah, the gay sex is the least of Jax’ problems!
JAX TELLER = GOD. I try to appropriate the JACKSON TELLER WALK in my everyday but, yeah, not particularly cool on a schlumpy office drone wearing an Old Navy shirt instead of Jax’s AWESOME G-FUNK ERA Snoop/Eazy-E flannels. And I’m always bummed out about my hairloss and uphold that ANY DUDE WHO HAS HAIR SHOULD GROW IT before they lose it.
But, yeah, Hunnam’s been awesome as far back as Undeclared or ABANDON WITH KATIE HOLMES.
When they make THE LEXG MOVIE they should have Charlie Hunnam play me. GOOD IDEA.
Jeff: Yes, HAUSU was very imaginative and stylish; great fun. Alas, GOKE was just awful, and not even in a fun ROBOT MONSTER way. Yeesh.
Next time you see me, please come over and say hi.
Wow Cadavra. I love GOKE and think it fascinating. It’s a mess but the political aspects are pretty unusual. And the psychedelic colors! And that amazing scary final scene! Had I not forgotten about the screening we woulda had a rumble in the Egyptian…
GOKE is incredible. I don’t want to come off like a Taste Cop but I have to call into question any persons taste who can enjoy a film like HAUSU but then dismisses GOKE as just awful. To compare it to a film like ROBOT MONSTER perhaps says more about a viewers limited palette than the film itself.
Cadavra has excellent genre taste so I’m interested in hearing more of his thoughts on GOKE. And that amazing miniature plane bathed in widescreen orange!
Sorry Christian the Taste Cop had to call it in. Lets not go down this path otherwise I’ll start ranting and frothing about redundant homages to b movies and why they’re as useful as tits on a bull.
I agree that Goke was a mess, but it wasn’t boring, which makes up for a lot these days. And I loved a bunch of sporadic moments within it, like all the birds splattering on the plane’s windows, and the lurid love-triangle melodrama involving the corrupt politician.
I agree with Christian, though, typically I think Cadavra has terrific taste.
(When a bull has tits, it’s a cow.)
I just found the script a mess, the characters stereotypes (and not in a clever way), the editing jagged and sluggish, and whatever point they were trying to make got lost in the general miasma. It felt like someone had tossed FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX, THE H-MAN, THE MYSTERIANS, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and Christ knows what else into a blender and poured this out. Sorry if that makes me an outlier, but I just didn’t buy it.
“It felt like someone had tossed FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX, THE H-MAN, THE MYSTERIANS, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and Christ knows what else into a blender and poured this out.”
You write that like it’s a bad thing!
Just watched THE H-MAN for the first time in decades. Lovely.