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David Poland

By David Poland

BYOB Humpday

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79 Responses to “BYOB Humpday”

  1. LexG says:

    Two More Days.


    SanjG asks: Where’s the DP/30 with Aly Michalka, Minka Kelly and The Meester?

    I’d like to give each one of them a DP/5 if you know what I mean. ESPECIALLY Michalka. SO dreamy on Hellcats.

  2. sanj says:

    I Am Optimus Prime – music video

  3. Foamy Squirrel says:

    Wait… wasn’t your hump… oh nevermind.

  4. sanj says:

    Blake Lively is #1 in Askmen Top 99 women for 2011

    i hope this qualifies her to be on a DP/30

  5. IOv3 says:

    Yeah Olivia Wilde got hosed in that competition.

  6. Un-RetiredLexG says:


    Wilde is hot, BUT was WAY HOTTER six, seven years ago on SKIN and THE O.C. She’s getting EXPAND-O-HEAD lately.

    Though Momsen > Lively or Meester.

  7. IOv3 says:

    Expand-o head? Really? Good that’s just ridiculous. She has an awesome jaw and you must RESPECT THE JAW! Now, sorry, but it’s Meester > Momsen > Lively. Lively can be stunning but she just comes across as being a really good looking mom of three. Every time I see her do an interview, I keep expecting her kid to come running around the corner.

  8. Un-RetiredLexG says:

    Where did Dakota rank?

    Olivia Wilde is also married (points WAY off) to an Italian prince (plummeting) and they live in a van in Venice Beach (ANNOY-O-METER RANKING: 11.)

    Winner: Blake Lively’s awesome legs.

  9. actionman says:

    expand-o-head. that’s brilliant stuff.

  10. IOv3 says:

    Olivia Wilde pretty much enjoys wearing as much as possible in photoshoots. Also, 53 percent voted that she was ranked too low and they had her behind some ladies who did not even come close to capture the raw sexuality of Olivia Wilde.

  11. Un-RetiredLexG says:

    K-Stew at #90 is a travesty of justice.

  12. LexG says:

    Hey, honest question:

    Why DID McDouche stop posting here? Once in a blue moon I see him chime up at Glenn Kenny’s, but we’re going on at least half a year sans McMahon here.

    I kind of miss annoying him.

  13. IOv3 says:

    Lex because he couldn’t figure out how to post as Big Perm as well? I remember him posting about how he did not like the new format and then he went vapor.

  14. Foamy Squirrel says:

    Is it bad that I only know Jessica Pare from “Suck” and didn’t even realise she was in Mad Men?

  15. LexG says:

    You should know Jessica Pare from that BONER MASTERPIECE of a movie where she and Piper Perabo played LITTLE LESBIANS at a girls’ school and Mischa Barton played their roommate who would observe them.

    And, actually, it was weird when Pare, who’s been in a lot of stuff and had some good TV shows, out of nowhere showed up for eight seconds in Hot Tub Time Machine ONLY to flash her tits, a role any Playmate or up-start actress willing to strip could’ve handled. I know she’s not a HUGE name, but the entire role was her taking off her top in like eight seconds of screen time.

  16. Margot Channing Tatum O'neal says:

    in MAD MEN Jessica Pare doesn’t look as hot as she is in real life. I wonder if that’s intentional and as she becomes Mrs. SPOILER ALERT! Draper she grows more and more beautiful.

  17. Foamy Squirrel says:

    Hey, I’d flash my tits for a gig that included John Cusack.

  18. IOv3 says:

    I know that he would appreciate that FS. He really would.

  19. sanj says:

    guy sings about the music industry and Lily Allen …

  20. JKill says:


    It used to be a constant on HBO seven or so years ago…

  21. sanj says:

    the Roommate interview with Leighton Meester – Minka Kelly – 3 minutes

  22. Breedlove says:

    Margot channing tatum o’neal, you suck. Die. Die. Die. Surely you could have worded your comment in a way that didn’t give away a massive plot turn that I have not reached yet. I hate you with the burning force of a thousand suns.

  23. Breedlove says:

    And the poster/standee for The Roommate is so awful…I guess Leighton Meester is supposed to be creepy in it. But it is hard work to make her not look hot, and they somehow managed to do it.

  24. leahnz says:

    you know what needs to die? the stupid expression “SOMETHING SOMETHING POWER”, which comes from a cartoon anyway

  25. JKill says:

    Sorry to incur your wrath Leahnz. 🙂 Thought I’d give the title of a movie referenced earlier, and since it was Lex, thought I’d use his lingo. Yikes.

    What cartoon is it from?

  26. Krillian says:

    Is it from Scrappy Doo? “PUPPY POWER!”

  27. leahnz says:

    that’s a bingo. krillian wins the big stuffed bunny


    a saying from one of the most horrible annoying cartoon characters in the history of the world. perhaps fitting in a way

  28. Storymark says:

    Given Lex’s pathological hatred for animation, I doubt he’s refrencing a cartoon. Could be that’s just how he talks/thinks/writes.

    Or maybe he’s actually a cartoon.

  29. leahnz says:

    you know lex was plopped down in front of the TV to watch cartoons as a kid, between bouts of his mother’s red-state-like religious indoctrination of him in the cupboard under the stairs, which he now conveniently blames for all his idiocy. lex’s shtick can be directly traced back to and blamed on scrappy doo

  30. christian says:

    Jeez, Leah, I’d blocked Scrappy Doo from my subconcious…or maybe I hadn’t which explains why I twitch like Inspector Dreyfuss whenever some douche uses that phrase…

  31. LexG says:

    Other than Bugs Bunny, which I liked when I was four, and whatever early-00s Disney Rescue Ranger/Emperor’s New Groove the Series dogshit I’ve had to transcribe at various jobs, I’ve never seen a cartoon in my life.

    Certainly not Scrappy Doo, or Scooby Doo. Never. Didn’t even see the live-action movies, even though Gellar and Cardellini are boner-worthy.

  32. storymark says:

    What an empty childhood…

  33. LexG says:

    Sorry I wasn’t a douche when I was a kid. I liked that stuff when I was four or five, then we got HBO and I’d stay home all day watching stuff like LOOKER and JAWS 2 and MOONRAKER and it led me to start writing short stories and doing drawings and shit. BECAUSE MOVIES MAKE YOU SMARTER THAN OTHER KIDS. Cartoons make your kids stupider. Shit, even LEAH HERSELF and I once exchanged a pithy banter about how we’d both see EVERYTHING at a kid, even an inappropriate age, all those hard-R early 80s, late 70s flicks. I saw ALL that shit when I was eight or nine.

    So did every kid I knew; When we were in fourth grade, every kid would come in talking about SCANNERS or HALLOWEEN II or ALIEN or ANIMAL HOUSE or DEER HUNTER. I didn’t know fucking ANYBODY who still watched cartoons of ANY sort after age eight or nine.

  34. storymark says:

    I saw all that stuff as kid, as well as cartoons. Still do. If that makes me a douche… well, whatever. I guess I’m a douche who enjoys lots of different things, and am a happy, functioning adult. So, points – me.

  35. christian says:

    Lex is a liar. Or a rube. Every kid I knew saw HEAVY METAL.

  36. RoyBatty says:

    RE: Thor poster

    Have to admit, the THOR trailer was in front of the print of THE FIGHTER I saw this weekend and actually looks like it deserves that Olly Moss poster. You have to assume Branagh isn’t going to bring us something shitty.

    LOOKER rules. Thanks to HBO I might not be able to quote from MERCHANT OF VENICE at length, but I do know that Clay Davis was not the first black guy to go “Sheeeeiiiitt.” Dorian Harewood, where did you go?

  37. LexG says:

    Still have never seen HEAVY METAL.

    While I was allowed to watch most R-rated movie, HEAVY METAL would’ve gone against my parents’s extremely bizarre “white people make terrible music” laws, by which they ONLY listened to R & B and soul and we were only allowed to listen to like MJ and Lionel Ritchie and George Benson and the BUSTIN’ LOOSE soundtrack. I never even HEARD rock music til that big Quiet Riot album everybody had.

  38. LexG says:

    Also: THOR looks pretty damn cool.

    Plus it’ll be a melancholy swan song to Portman’s hotness, now that she’s pregnant. Hope she can PULL AN ALBA and get right back into fighting shape. But her SWAN weight is really her best look. Mmmmmmm.

  39. sanj says:

    Exit Through the Pet Shop – parody video ..

  40. IOv3 says:

    1) I did indeed watch Heavy Metal as a kid. Why? The rotoscoped boobs and the John Candy segment.

    2) Lex, you were raised like a friend of mine. I am shocked that there are two people in the world who had to suffer through the WHITE FOLKS SUCK AT MUSIC doctrine. Seriously, that’s horrible.

    3) Scrappy Doo rules. Leave it to some folks not to understand the power of the brother pup, who fought against the tyranny of the white man.

  41. christian says:

    Most Hanna Barbera cartoons were the tyranny of the white man.

  42. IOv3 says:

    Yeah…………………………… no.

  43. christian says:

    Minus JOHNY QUEST and THE HERCULOIDS of course. The rest were 90 percent badly animated characters running in front of different backgrounds.

  44. IOv3 says:

    Wacky Races… RULES!

    Huckleberry Hound… RULES!

    Snagglepuss… RULES!

    Flintstones… RULES!

    Scooby Doo… RULES!



    I could go on but Hanna Barbera rules. Period. Giving them shit in anyway, is just got dang shameful.

  45. IOv3 says:

    Oh yeah, apparently the Cheesehead and Lord British do not find any American women suitable to be their Lana Lang (WOW… ANOTHER FUCKING REBOOT! SERIOUSLY? WHY CAN’T SUPERMAN JUST START OUT KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES? WHAT THE FUCK?), so it’s either a German or another English person. I give them dap for going full foreigner but they are just asking for problems once Fox News catch on to this.

  46. Don R. Lewis says:

    Been playing “Catch up with Oscar” of late and have to say…

    BIUTIFUL was very, very “just o.k.” at best. While I admit to really thinking about it and wondering what “______” meant, overall….meh. And I love me some Javier Bardem, but his role was nothing special.

    I also JUST rewatched THE SOCIAL NETWORK. What a fucking fantastic movie. I mean it, much like the boring ass BENJAMIN BUTTON, keeps folding back upon itself while telling a new story. It has Finchers eye for the procedural but he envelopes Sorkin’s stuff so brilliantly. And I’ve long been a Sorkin hater.

    It’s the kind of film you can keep watching and gaining new ideas from. Plus, it’s so entertaining. I love “dramas” like that you can just settle in with and watch endlessly. Almost comfort movies like most Wilder, Crowe and even (to a lesser extent) more serious Kevin Smith stuff. I still favor TRUE GRIT as my fave of the year, but man, THE SOCIAL NETWORK is a silent killer.

  47. LexG says:

    Are Diane Kruger and Rosemund Pike REALLY two leading candidates to play Lana Lang? Are we sure they’re not in the running to play Superman’s mom?

  48. IOv3 says:

    Lex, you might have a point with those three actresses playing Bupes mom. It would make a lot of sense due to their ages. All three of them are either right at 30 or in their 30s. Cavill is 28, so casting one of them as his mom would make more sense then as Lana Lang. Seriously though, if they are being cast as Lana then this film is another fucking reboot but this time, instead of helping people in his 20s, Bupes is going to wait til he’s ALMOST 30 to put on a cape. Wow, what a horrible idea for a movie no matter whose making it. JMS at least did this same story but had his Superman in his late teens. This is just hokey.

  49. LexG says:

    You have to admit though, even though it’s now been debunked as rumor, KRISTEN STEWART FOR LOIS LANE was THE MOST PERFECT CASTING EVER and would have made this the greatest superhero movie ever. EVER. EVER.


  50. IOv3 says:

    K-Stew will probably stay away from big pictures for a decade once Twilight is finished.

  51. LexG says:

    She just signed on to be SNOW WHITE. That doesn’t sound like Welcome to the Runaway Handkerchief Eaters 2. I get what you’re saying in theory, with her obvious lack of enthusiasm about her crazed fanbase and the interviews and the whole social anxiety issue… But her name still comes up with regularity circling the biggest of the big projects, and, again, SNOW WHITE.


  52. DiscoNap says:

    Lex has mentioned this elsewhere, but I’m shocked Diane Kruger is only 34. She looks great in INGLOURIOUS, but great for like a 42 year old.

  53. IOv3 says:

    Seriously Lex, who wants to see that crap Snow White, when you could see SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN? Seriously? Give me Shaolin Monks with Natalie Portman any day of the week over Snow White and the Huntsman.

    You also know that most of these offers are based off of the popularity of Twilight, like with her man and Lautner, so she will keep popping up time and time again for these tentpole. I just can’t see her wanting to invest her time in a huge franchise for a good long while.

    ETA: Disco, I think Kruger’s a serious smoker and that explains why she looks much older than she acutally is. Seriously though, they can’t cast an American in either lead roles in the new Superman movie? Nolan must hate us as much as he hates his own hair.

  54. LexG says:

    I’ll give Kristen Stewart a tentpole.

  55. IOv3 says:

    and she’ll give you a 100 yard restraining order! FOLKS!

  56. LexG says:

    Is Diane Kruger 34 in Richard Dreyfuss years?

  57. LexG says:

    Speaking of new movies, how about BROOKLYN DECKER in that Adam Sandler trailer?

    I’m historically partial to flatties, but those TV spots of DECKER coming out of the water with the giant boobs have me rethinking that stance. Damn.

    I’m sure Sandler is very happily married, but he’s fast becoming the NEW BLAKE EDWARDS, in that his every movie sounds like a wolf’s howl from a guy who’s horny for every chick in the world. Look down the list of Sandler costars, and I’m sure it’s ROLLING PIN O’CLOCK in the Sandman household every time he makes a new movie.

  58. IOv3 says:

    Carpenter’s Dreams, Lex. A Carpenter’s Dream. Sandler is just a skievy dude. Every thought that comes out of his head, is just skievy. If only Collin Quinn could have had his success then we would be onto something!

  59. JKill says:

    That Snow White movie (the Stewart one) is actually being directed by Tarsem, which makes it worth looking out for on that front and reminds me I have to finally watch THE FALL…

  60. IOv3 says:

    The Fall is awesome but again, I love the idea of Snow White finding seven Shaolin Monks, and a bad ass action movie breaking out afterwards.

  61. LexG says:

    Sadly, the K-Stew Snow White is the one being directed by no-name Rupert Sanders (who?), not the Tarsem one.

    Though two hours of THE WORLD’S MOST BREATHTAKING WOMAN in crazy costumes and lit in TARSEMSCOPE a la J-Lo in The Cell, I seriously couldn’t even handle that.

  62. cadavra says:

    K-Stew should play Sleeping Beauty. It would certainly play to her strength as an actress.

  63. LexG says:

    CADAVRA YOU WILL BOW TO HER. Although watching her sleep in some LITTLE OUTFIT would be SOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUUTE.

    But back on topic, you do not know what you’re talking about. Maybe try being less old and actually SEE SOME MOVIES. Welcome to the Rileys. The Runaways. The Cake Eaters. Undertow. Speak. The Messengers. What Just Happened. CATCH THAT KID.

    Watch ANY of those and BASK in the most gifted natural acting talent since Marlon Brando or Serpico-era Pacino. SHE IS ELECTRIFYING. Every single SECOND she is on screen, you’re wondering what she’s going to do next. HYPNOTIC.

    I realize you’ve all heard this spiel for four years now, but it seriously BOGGLES MY MIND and makes me sad that Kristen isn’t CONSISTENTLY winning Oscars AND being recognized as THE SEXIEST WOMAN EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. All these dickheads like Cadavra just kind of shrugging her off, when she is literally the greatest thing ever to happen to movies. Or the universe.

    Meanwhile all of you sandal-wearing L.A. assholes who HATE EVERYTHING are somehow enraptured by Amy Adams and Emma Stone just because they do some stupid fucking comedy and it reminds you of the movies you watched in the 1960s when you were 40 years old. Notice how K-STEW doesn’t do comedy? BECAUSE COMEDY SUCKS and WOMEN DOING COMEDY is embarrassing and undignified.

    K-STEW IS BETTER. Hotter, WAY more talented.


  64. Storymark says:

    She’s…. okay.

  65. LexG says:

    Where’s the thread on those new ON THE ROAD pics?

    Christ, you fucking KNOW K-Stew was all about Sam Riley and/or Garrett Hedlund. HOW DO YOU GET TO BE THOSE GUYS instead of being a fat movie transcriptionist/titler who works in a dick factory where I have to listen to all these defused miserable sadsacks drone on about how HOLLYWOOD DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S DOING ANYMORE, I’VE SEEN THREE MOVIES SINCE 1999, I HAVE A SCREENPLAY, MOVIES SUCKS, blah blah blah…

    I can’t relate to any dude who doesn’t LOVE KRISTEN STEWART or who doesn’t acknowledge that HIS LIFE SUCKS compared to Garrett Hedlund.

    If you’re not GARRETT HEDLUND or CAM GIGANDET, honestly, WHAT ARE YOU GOING FOR IN LIFE? Why are you happy? Why are you alive? I beat myself up ALL DAY EVERY DAY that I am not famous.

    SO SHOULD YOU. If you’re not FAMOUS, you aren’t shit.

    I would literally fucking KILL to be famous.

  66. LexG says:

    And honestly, (as if you guys care)…

    Such is Los Angeles that I work with at least TWO dudes who fancy themselves “directors” and “screenwriters,” and they’d have NO IDEA who Garrett Hedlund even IS.

    My DREAM IN LIFE is to get people in Los Angeles EXCITED ABOUT MOVIES. All day, every day, all I meet or read are these sour, cynical, seen-it-all people with NO ENTHUSIASM and NO INTENSITY who drone on ALL fucking day long about THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

    First sign of getting old, that.

  67. storymark says:

    “And honestly, (as if you guys care)…”

    We don’t.

  68. IOv3 says:

    Oh I do. I really do.

  69. Foamy Squirrel says:

    To be fair to said dudes, not too many people give a rats ass about Garrett Hedlund.

    Jeff Bridges or Olivia Wilde, yes. Heck, even Joseph Kosinski. Garrett… meh… eminently interchangeable for a lot of people.

  70. LexG says:

    I get that he’s interchangable enough from an acting/looks angle (though he was AWESOME as the villain in Death Sentence…)

    What I don’t get is MEN ACTIVELY GOING THROUGH LIFE PERFECTLY OKAY with the fact that they are NOT Garrett Hedlund. Or Robert Pattinson. Or Justin Timberlake.

    WHY EVEN STAY ALIVE ON THIS PLANET if you are not a FILM ACTOR? Every other profession is FUCKING MEANINGLESS, and if you are not a MOVIE STAR, you have NO. FUCKING. REASON. to be happy about anything, EEEEEEEEEEEVER.

    You job, your family, and your life COUNT FOR SHIT if you don’t act and you’re not famous.

    Everybody else is just an extra in life, waiting to die.

    If I can HATE MYSELF into high blood pressure because I’m not GARRETT HEDLUND, so should YOU.

  71. Foamy Squirrel says:

    Plenty of dudes get hollywood tail without being actors, just look at Anne Hathaway’s track record. With the added bonus of not having to worry about turning into Corey Feldman and/or Haim after 5 years in the spotlight.

  72. LexG says:

    Anyone who claims they’re happier NOT being an ACTOR OR ATHLETE is simply LYING TO THEMSELF because it’s what gets them through the day. If you guys REALLY stopped down to think about how bad your life is compared to actors, you’d kill yourselves.

  73. IOv3 says:

    Garrett Hedlund is awesome and Devin Farci can cram his hate of him, right up, his candy ass!

  74. leahnz says:

    dear record,

    you’re broken.

    yours in christ,

    faithful patron

    (how many active threads can lex monopolise/convert into being about him and WHAAAT HEEE DEMAAAANNNNDDDS EEEEEEVERYONE THIIIINK? two out of three so far, not bad)

  75. IOv3 says:

    If only we could all just give him a big hug. A big hug would fix everything. IT’S PSYCHOLOGICALLY PROVEN!

  76. JKill says:

    DEATH SENTENCE is one whacky movie, and it takes a pretty gonzo left turn in the third act or so. It’s actually almost kind of radical, and differs pretty greatly from the more tradtional Neil Jordan/Jodie Foster THE BRAVE ONE which was released around the same time. It doesn’t “work”, but it’s pretty memorable now that I look back on it and Bacon (as always) is great.

  77. dexter says:


  78. cadavra says:

    Lex, you must know I’m just messin’ with ya. If you love K-Stew that much, God bless you. Personally, I think she’s the most enervating “actress” since Lois Chiles, being incapable of expressing anything but trance-like boredom (and yes, I have seen some of her other movies), but if that works for you, who am I to be your buzzkill? 🙂

  79. IOv3 says:

    Trance like boredome? More like gazing into the eyes of a stunning beauty! KA-CHOW!

Quote Unquotesee all »

It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon