Over on IFC, Matt Singer posted a pretty funny “movie theater etiquette manifesto,” and David proposed his suggestions for a simplified version earlier today. I appreciate both of their takes on the things that suck about going to see a movie in a theater these days.

Right now, though, my head is buried deep in the upcoming Toronto International Film Festival and the growing list of of movies on my “want to see list.” And as much as I agree that we need a manifesto for regular-old movie theaters (or better yet, we need every theater to adopt the Alamo’s no bullshit, like-it -or-leave-and-don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-in-the-ass policies) we need one even more for industry and press attending film festivals. And I think most of you know exactly what I’m talking about here. We’ve probably bitched about all of these things over drinks in Park City or Toronto.

Film fests are crazy if you work in this business; we can agree on this much, yes? We all get tired and punchy and irritable. And you may be a very important person, or you may not, but in either case if you are at TIFF attending the P&I screenings you are presumably there to do a job, and not there just taking up a seat because you are someone’s wife/husband/sister/brother/childhood BFF who scored a P&I badge. So since we all have to work together in the same space at a fest, it seems it would be a good idea for us to all agree on some very basic rules of engagement ahead of time.

Personally, I’d be all in favor of major fests like TIFF and Sundance making all P&I badgeholders sign a “Thou Shalt Not Be an Asshole” pledge, in which they agree that if they are unable to stop themselves from being assholes, they get two BIG RED strikes on their badge (this would make it easier to identify potential assholes in advance so you could avoid sitting near them, kind of like a P&I Scarlet Letter!) and on the third they are escorted out of the fest by Jean-Claude Van Damme and a pack of Rottweilers.

No, it would never happen, I hear you. But man, don’t you sometimes just wish they would do that? I know I do. I’m not naming names here, but there are some folks in this industry who are repeat offenders for a lot of the things on the “please don’t do this list.” And probably you know who they are — or you know that you are one of them, in which case you may want to take notes.

The single biggest thing that pisses off everyone I know is people checking their messages and/or texting in the middle of a screening. This is such a no-brainer that you would think by now no one would have to say, “Yo, could you turn off your damn Blackberry?” but unfortunately, cell phones, for all that we love them and they come in mighty handy, are also a major enabler of assholery at screenings.

I think fests should station security guards with paint ball guns and night vision goggles in the theaters and — BAP! — peg anyone who uses their damn cell phone in the middle of a film, thereby tagging offenders with brightly colored splotches of paint so everyone can mock them. But I can see how this might disrupt a screening even more than the offending cell phone use, so probably they aren’t going to do that. (But c’mon, when you read that, didn’t you just imagine some industry person you dislike being all pegged with paint ball splotches, and chuckle to yourself? No? I did.)

So since paintball tagging and marking badges with red STRIKE!s aren’t likely to be implemented, before we even get to TIFF, can we all just agree ahead of time that any use of electronic devices during a screening is just a completely douchebag thing to do, even if — perhaps especially if — you work in this industry? Even if think you are important enough that this basic rule of movie theater etiquette doesn’t apply to you, or that you get a waiver on this rule because it’s a big industry fest and you’re a big industry bigwig, really. It still applies to you. We on the press side of things get that you are important. We are not unsympathetic to the stress your job entails, and we appreciate you buying and distributing the films we fall in love with at festivals. We are completely in favor of you doing that job. We are not, however, in favor of you doing that job in the middle of a movie that we are trying to watch and later review.

And hey, if you are in the middle of, say, a bidding war on some hot film, good for you. I bet that’s very exciting and nerve-wracking. But if you simply MUST check your messages every five minutes, then you maybe shouldn’t be in that screening pissing everyone off with your constantly glowing screen light. Even if you think you are being sneaky and discreet by hiding your Blackberry under your jacket or messaging from inside your giant designer handbag, guess what? WE CAN STILL SEE IT.

And speaking of cell phones, it should go without saying, but unfortunately does not, that it’s seriously crap etiquette to answer your phone and start talking in the middle of a screening. I know you’re thinking, “What kind of asshole would do that?” And I’m with you, it always shocks me too. But this happens at least once during every fest I attend. Last year at TIFF I had it happen during Meek’s Cutoff, Never Let Me Go AND Silent Souls. All quiet, dramatic films, for which mood is an important element.

At the Meek’s screening, this acquisitions dude who was sitting a row behind me answered his phone (which was not even on silent) and just started talking: “Hey man, what’s up? Nah, I’m not busy. Just watching that Kelly Reichardt film with Michelle Williams. Yah, it’s alright. Not a lotta action. So what’s up with you? Blah blah blather blah…” I mean, seriously. Who does that?

Here’s another thing that drives a lot of us press folks crazy: If you are an acquisitions person bouncing from screening to screening, and you’re only planning to give a film 15 or 20 minutes to engage you before you hit eject, the rest of us would very much appreciate if you didn’t pick a seat in the very middle of a long row, that requires you to walk in front of/over us on your way out the door when you get bored. And if you are attending with a companion, please work out ahead of time a SILENT secret signal that says, “I’m ready to bail and go check out that film Theater 8 now,” rather than subjecting the rest of us to your loudly whispered conversation about whether you’re ready to leave now or give it another five minutes to engage you enough to stick around.

Now, can we talk about food for a minute? Like many of you, during a fest I usually have a stash of emergency food supplies tucked away in my handy-dandy computer bag, because when you are working a fest you really cannot just live on popcorn and candy and theater pizza and hot dogs, whether the sign on the door says “no outside food” or not. Also, most of us in this business — I know you’ll find this shocking — are not actually rich, and many of us have stretched our bank accounts thin to even be at a fest; we can’t always afford concession stand prices all day and night.

So yes, by all means, pack your energy bars, your peanut butter sammich, your dried fruit, whatever your thing is that gets you through your grueling fest schedule, and eat it all you want (though I’m completely with Singer on the “No Chinese Food!” rule and would extend that to “No Sushi,” which tastes great but smells like wet stinky feet if you’re not the one eating it). But — and this is important, folks — please make an effort to nosh quietly, and to get all your crap together before the screening starts.

At Sundance earlier this year, this woman next to me had a huge purse filled with … god only knows what all she had in there, but she took most of it out, loudly, to get to the bag of stale popcorn she’d stashed at the bottom. And then made all kinds of noise opening the bag, and then putting all her crap back in her purse, and then on top of all that, she was one of your Loud Eaters who rustle around in the popcorn bag a lot to get just the right handful, and then munch loudly like a horse at a feedbag. During the entire film. That’s just gross. So don’t do that either, please.

And while we’re talking about food, I would also like to propose a ban on the opening of hard candies, cough drops, and all other things wrapped in crinkly cellophane during a screening. If you’re fighting a cold and need to suck on something to keep your cough under control, we get that. But at least pick a decently loud part of the film and unwrap that butterscotch candy quickly and efficiently, will you? Opening it slowly, one LOUD crinkle at a time over the duration of an entire scene or two, is really not appreciated by anyone around you.

Which brings us to another issue of P&I screening etiquette, which is the tendency of certain film critic-y folks to need to make sure everyone around them knows exactly how much they hate the movie they’re watching, while they’re watching it. Into this category I would file things like excessive seat-wiggling, leg-swinging and foot-jiggling; loud, frequent, impatient sighs or other expressions of boredom; yelling things like, “Oh, come on!” or “Give me a fucking break!” at the screen, and making a lot of noise as you leave the theater in a huff so that you can make sure everyone knows how much you really, really hate this movie. We get that you hate it. We really don’t care. Also: Please spare us your need to loudly announce in line or in the theater before the film even starts how much you hate this director and everything he’s ever done, and you don’t expect to like this one either. Great, so why are you here? Go watch something else.

And while we shouldn’t have to mention things like this at all, while we’re talking about film fest etiquette, can we also all agree on a few other basic things one should never, ever do at a film fest screening? This includes (but is not limited to) all of the following behaviors: Taking off your shoes to massage your sweaty, smelly feet during the screening. Taking your shoes off and sticking your bare, gross, possibly fungus-infested toes all over the seat in front of you. Taking your shoes off, period — let’s just not do that, okay? Also, any and all acts of personal grooming, including but not limited to nose picking, nose-hair plucking, frequent genital adjusting, and finger-or-toenail clipping. And, of course, loudly snoring.

And lastly-but-not-leastly, my number one issue with folks at P&I screenings: Don’t be a dick to the volunteers. Or the festival staff. Or, really, anyone. I think that pretty much covers it. Thanks.

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