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David Poland

By David Poland poland@moviecitynews.com

14th Annual ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas In Hollywood

With apologies to Clement Clark Moore…

“Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

RT @Gawker Santa seen at 439 E 74 drinking milk and eating cookies with underage girl in pajamas. NY DA sez charges may be filed.

Reuters/ The Wrap – EXCLUSIVE – Santa Claus May Cause As Many As 3 Deaths A Year Because Of Ancient Delivery Methods
Every year, people are killed by things striking them in the head. The Wrap has found in an in-depth investigation that stray presents or reindeer excrement could be responsible for as many as 3 of these deaths each year. The Wrap spoke to George Melange, a homeless retired postal worked whose dog was hit in the head with something and is now suing Santa Claus for $2 billion. Tonight, see Sharon Waxman on CNN’s new roundtable show, People Who Still Think I Work At The New York Times, talking about this and other things she knows nothing about.

3p Christmas Eve – TOLDJA! Those idiots at The Hollywood Reporter got it wrong again. They claimed that a mouse would be stirring. But my sources told me before this nobody Moore wrote this stupid attempt at poetry, 189 years ago, that no creature would be stirring. Not even a mouse. Who gives a damn whether a mouse is stirring or not. But I knew it wouldn’t be stirring first. It’s early, but according to my sources, the absence of the mouse indicates that some form of poison gas is in the house and the sleeping family might be dead as early as Saturday morning.

Earth (AP) – Santa Claus delivered his presents last night.

Why do we celebrate this big fat fatty with his bulbous red nose, veins ready to burst from it at any minute? Santa Claus should not only be banned from public attention, but he should probably be filleted and fed to homeless children in nations far away from West Hollywood. How dare he inflict his fat face and good cheer on us every year? Merry and bright? What kind of bullshit is that? And those reindeer are disgusting non-humans. Are we supposed to care about this flying thing just because he has a red glowing nose. I had a red glowing nose once, but I put it to the grindstone and I toughed it out and now it’s a gray scratched up nose, the way it was meant to be.

EXCLUSIVELY TOLDJA 11p Christmas Eve – Everyone in the house is okay, even the mice. How could anyone have known that a lack of stirring wasn’t a result of deadly gas? But I just got of the phone with Harvey Weinstein and he says that he might be a little light on gifts this year. Sources tell me that Sony and Universal will have a great holiday and have plenty of gifts.

@Carr2n NPo>>Earth Guy in first class seems awful jolly already. Hivemind, where can I find the air marshalls?

We spoke to Santa, Mrs Santa, and 3 key elves at the North Pole. Here are the photos and the quotes from Stephen Galloway’s interview.

“Yeah, my butt itches after a while.”

“That’s what she and she and she and she and she and she said!” (raucous laughter)

“He may hang out with reindeer, but he’s hung like a horse.”

Brooks Barnes, New York Times: According to sources who would not let us use their names because that would make their spin on this story less effective, Santa will deliver over 27 billion gifts tonight, all thanks to Netflix’s Reed Hastings and the ghost of Steve Jobs. This will lead to fewer tickets sold, increased box office overall, and every studio chiefs ascension to godlike status no matter how well or poorly their studio is doing, according to unnamed sources who would not name themselves because it would seem immodest.

John Boehner: “We are tired of all this wasteful celebration by the job havers sand job wanna-havers at this time in our economy. If President Obama had not left Iraq in such haste, there would be lots of opportunities for the job creators to make billions more in profits from their hotels when these selfish jobless could have a great opportunity to be in the field clearing IEDs. The president is killing the nation by demanding that Santa make all these handouts to the unmotivated. Real Americans want to take unlimited profits from the public sector without regulation and when they can, they will generously take care of everyone else because We’re The 1%!”

EXTOCLUJASIVE 1AM Christmas Morning – TOLDJA Ryan Kavanaugh is merging with a bowl of egg nog RIGHT NOW!

Patrick Goldstein, LA Times – Is Christmas A Sign That Chanukah Could Come To An End?

CC Moore: “He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
‘Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.'”

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5 Responses to “14th Annual ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas In Hollywood”

  1. spassky says:

    I wonder what this would be like if CC Deville wrote it

  2. spassky says:

    … and that is assuming that CC Deville can, in fact, read and write.

  3. matthew says:

    Protip: if you open an incognito window in Chrome (ctrl-shift-N), you can get around that Variety two articles per month business.

  4. Glamourboy says:

    wow, that kinda sucked

  5. LYT says:

    f’in hilarious. I didn’t lo0ok at this post at first fearing it would be a typical poetry pardoy.

    good stuff

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