Well, we’re out on the Pacific, headed home. And so is Reader’s Week. I want to thank you all for participating and I’m looking forward to getting back to work. Too much rum, not enough … well, too much rum. If you haven’t entered the box office contest, now is the time. In the meantime, I’ll let loose the Dogs of War.
From: Steve Chien-Wei, Weng
Subject: Why don’t they let Tim Burton make Superman Lives?
“Since Warner Bros. has already made Mars Attack, how much worse could it be this time? They should trust him.”
From: Isaac B.
Subject: Reader’s Week Rant
“It’s a bird, it’s a plane… it’s a piece of crap!”
Am I the only one who’s looking forward to Tim Burton‘s Superman movie with the same amount of excitement and anticipation normally reserved for cancer of the testicles? Didn’t think so.
” Everything I’ve read about the production of this film has convinced me that the people in charge of it used to ride the Special Bus to school. Kevin Smith, who owns a comic book store and writes a comic of his own had his script rejected. Nicolas Cage is picked for the title role, a character he looks nothing like. And if not for Cage’s son, the most infamous costume in comic book history would’ve lost its trademark red underwear, brushed aside all because Mr. Cage was afraid it would make him look like ‘a flamer.’
“And it’s not just this movie that’s pissing me off. It’s all the other comic book adaptions that’ve screwed over the characters and insulted the movie-going audience throughout the years. The problem, as I see it, is that the people making these movies are about as familiar with the books as Demi Moore is with The Scarlet Letter. In all the rush to make the costumes and the special effects and the endless merchandising tie-ins, no one ever stops to read an issue of the very thing they’re supposed to be filming.
“Would it matter if they did? What are you, drunk? Of course, it would! If they had bothered to read ‘Judge Dredd,’ for example, they would’ve known that you never, ever see him without his mask on. They also would’ve known that no self-respecting writer would have him say ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ In the world of comics, you’d be thrown out of an editor’s office. In the film industry, you’d be given a bonus for thinking up a ‘marketable catch phrase.’
“And if Akiva Goldsman, the ‘screenwriter’ of Batman and Robin, had ever bothered to research his subject matter, he would’ve known that Bane was not a raving idiot, but in fact a highly intelligent villian who, using brilliant tactics, wore down Batman, discovered his true identity and literally broke his back (read ‘Knightfall’ for details). He also would’ve known that the cliché-ridden, God-awful dialogue he wrote went out with Adam West‘s career, and that Batgirl, one of the many unnecessary characters in the film, has been confined to a wheelchair for the last several years, a result of The Joker shooting her in the spine (read Alan Moore‘s brilliant ‘The Killing Joke’ for details.)
“If Warner Bros., as well as the other [studios] out there, are serious about making comic book adaptions, I’d like to offer the following suggestions:
1) Read the comics and find out what the characters are all about. This should be the most obvious thing to do, but if it was, I wouldn’t be writing this, now would I?
2) Stay truthful to the books. Don’t give Green Lantern a red costume, and never make Captain America a German.
3) Always remember that special effects are no match for a good story. People didn’t watch The Crow for the spectacle. They watched it for the substance. And in the end, that is what will keep people in theaters.
“P.S. I just wanted to close by saying that it was out of respect for Tim Robbins that I decided not to mention Howard the Duck.
From: DaveH
Subject: disaster dogs
“My question/rant is this: Why do people continue to pay good money to see disaster flicks (examples: Independence Day, Volcano, and coming soon: Godzilla) despite the fact that they all have the same lame/flat characters, extremely formulaic plots, and nothing more to offer than special effects?
“Obviously, Hollywood will keep producing these films until the well runs dry and people stop going, so they are hardly to blame. And I understand the attraction of movies as an escape from daily life, and these films are simply escapist fare. But I can’t understand how people can simply be so dumb that they see these films multiple times when then are simply so thin. Is it just me, or does this bother anyone else?
“I’m sure in due time that these films will run their course, but looking at the coming attractions, it seems there is no end. If it’s not Armageddon, and Bruce saving the planet, it’s Godzilla stomping into your neighborhood theater. It’s a good bet these two films will easily top the $100 million mark over the summer and go on to be two of the top-grossing films of the year, which will push Hollywood to produce more disaster flix (sic).
“I have had enough of the disaster dogs and their use of special effects to cover-up any semblance of story. I’ll take a Usual Suspects, Good Will Hunting, or Pulp Fiction any day. Put the big explosions of the disaster flix on the small screen and see these films for what they really are: A bunch of people screaming and fleeing in mock terror — the same reaction I hope audiences will someday show new disaster flix such as Godzilla, finally bringing their existence to an end and saving the world from horrible movies.”

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