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David Poland

By David Poland poland@moviecitynews.com

David Poland & Associates Says…

I can’t reveal my secret formula, but 7 minutes into the Tivo of “The Starlet,” there are only three of the girls that have any chance to win the thing… I have a 92.736% accuracy rate on this, but I can’t explain what that means.

It’s Andria, Mercedes & Cecile.

And the Neva girl… the one who says she’ll do anything to make it… she’ll be the first to have anal sex in the parking lot behind the Sunset Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf with a guy who has a card that says “producer” and keeps calling her “Neve.”

Updated At The End Of The Show: Andria is already gone. Mercedes is now 75% to win the show.

It’s funny… a show like this is probably the most easy to judge of any reality show I have ever seen. It is so clear that most of the girls just don’t have it in them to be starlets. There are more than a couple who can be working actors on TV. But half of these girls could not act their way out from under a…. well, they can’t act.

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17 Responses to “David Poland & Associates Says…”

  1. JoeLeydon says:

    OK, David… just back away from your computer, get into your bed, and go to sleep. You’ve been working way, way too hard. We want you to get better real soon.

  2. JimmyConway75 says:

    Poland opines: “there are only three of the girls that have any chance to win the thing… I have a 92.736% accuracy rate on this, but I can’t explain what that means. It’s Andria, Mercedes & Cecile.”
    DP, you’re the Eddie Mush of Starlet prognostication!

  3. lazarus says:

    This is why you gotta love the Blog. No way the anal would have made it onto The Hot Button. That didn’t sound right, did it?
    Rock on, DP. And no, I won’t ask why you were watching The Starlet, let alone TIVOing the thing so you wouldn’t miss it.
    Now I don’t feel so bad for watching Gilmore Girls.

  4. bicycle bob says:

    i think every single one of these shows should ahve to give 10% to survivor for completely stealing their formula

  5. Stella's Boy says:

    Didn’t Survivor steal it from somewhere, too?

  6. Joe Straat says:

    May I have some of your free time?

  7. Terence D says:

    Survivor was the first show to do the voting off thing they do. Now you cannot have a reality show or even a real show without voting someone off.

  8. Cindy says:

    David,David,David, I think you need to back away from the TV, not the computer. What in God’s name were you doing watching that show in the first place? I hope you aren’t connecting to any Nielsen ratings at this time. I live for the day when 99% of reality shows disappear from the face of the earth. Yuck!

  9. Joe Leydon says:

    Didn’t the “Survivor” people steal their gimmick from that movie where Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra voted Gammera off Monster Island?

  10. Clay says:

    There is no shame in watching Gilmore Girls… that’s a great show!

  11. lazarus says:

    Speaking of Asian cinema, if only Survivor was more like Battle Royale. It would make the show watchable, and would rid the world of a few more opportunists.

  12. Lota says:

    That “vote” as you call it was rigged, Leydon. The fairies told me. But I always have to side with Mothra.
    Honda’s movies were infinitely more interesting than any reality show.

  13. Joe Leydon says:

    Lota: I have to admit, there was something about that vote that always struck me as odd. I mean, I thought for sure Ghidrah would be the first one to be voted off the island. But, you know, since he had three heads, maybe he was allowed three votes. If so, Gammera got hosed.
    Cindy: Don’t think you’ll have to worry about “Starlet” being a long-term addition to the ranks of reality TV. According to Marc Berman over at mediaweek.com, “Starlet” bombed big time: “Historically, this could very well be the WB’s lowest rating in the Sunday 8 p.m. hour with an original program ever.” Ouch.

  14. bicycle bob says:

    the starlet would be watchable if it was porn starlet

  15. Mark says:

    I hope all these execs lose their jobs over these terrible shows.

  16. Sandy says:

    Poor David…”reduced” to watching horrid reality shows to fill in the lull after the Oscars and before the summer blockbuster season…

  17. Martin says:

    “Porn Starlet” is already on the E! channel at 11 pm sun-fri, in between farting contests and ads for satellite radio.

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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon