By Ray Pride Pride@moviecitynews.com
Nobody effs with the Ebert: two for zero
Friday finds Roger Ebert giving two of his exceptionally rare zero-star ratings; while he doesn’t cover his own recent razzing by the one-and-only Rob Schneider, he does describe the Schneider-Patrick Goldstein foodfight: “Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter… Schneider wrote: “Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind … Maybe you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who’s Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers.” … I found [Schneider’s] not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists’ Guild award for lifetime achievement… Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain… As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks. Writing about the slaughter-porn Chaos (which I am grateful to have not been invited to see), Ebert lays it on a different line: “Chaos is ugly, nihilistic, and cruel — a film I regret having seen. I urge you to avoid it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s “only” a horror film, or a slasher film. It is an exercise in heartless cruelty and it ends with careless brutality. The movie denies not only the value of life, but the possibility of hope… DeFalco directs with a crude, efficient gusto, as a man with an ax makes short work of firewood. … It works, all right, but I’m with Ed Gonzalez: Why do we need this shit?” Ebert’s website also offers a bonus catalogue of critical contumely.