Pot, Kettle, Lie
Okay… here’s an idea…
Who can come up with the best false rumor about the new Harry Potter look?
I’ll send the best/worst one a DVD or something if you want it.
Come on… let’s be a web of abuse!!!
April 28, 2024
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It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?
So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.
And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.
There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.
I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.
So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.
But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”
My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher
“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.
~ David Simon
Having discovered the Sex Pistols and The Ramones (finally), Potter adopts a new fashion faux punk look, complete with fake tattoos and a bad mohawk. His new look leads him to form a hip hop punk rock trio with Shamus on Bass/bagpipes and Voldmort on the skins, bring world peace through the glory of the newly dubbed Wizard Rock.
Voldemort turns out to be…Harry Potter. Absolute power turned him evil once he reached adulthood, but as he gradually begins to regret his actions he realizes the only way he can prevent all this from coming to pass is to travel back to the past and kill himself as an infant.
I heard that Harry and Gaius Baltar join forces and train an army of cylon wizards to take over Mordor.
The very end has all the wizards eating at their respective tables at Hogwarts and Harry keeps waiting for Hermione to walk through the door. Draco, dressed in his Members Only jacket, goes to the bathroom. Harry sits there, Neville one side and Ron on the other, sweat dripping from his face. Then the pages go black, prompting millions to call the publisher and asking if their book is defective.
After murdering Hermoine and Hagrid, Voldemort threatens to murder every teacher and student at Hogwarts unless Potter surrenders to him. Harry, fighting off Ron, does so and is slain by Voldemort, despite a desperate and fatal attempt by Snape to save him. The Dark Lord’s triumph is short-lived, however, as Snape, with his last dying breath reveals Dumbledores last, most terrible secret: it is Voldemort, not James Potter, who is Harry’s true father. At last, grief-striken with the a remorse that will ultimately redeem own soul, Voldemort takes his own life, thus fulfilling the prophecy. Harry Potter is buried beside his mother, and engraved upon his tombstone are these words “Here lies Harry Potter, the boy who lived, and died, that we all might live.”
After much soul-searching, Hermione terminates her pregnancy with an Abortium spell. In a shocking twist, she discovers that the father was not Hagrid as she feared, but rather her new lover Neville Longbottom.
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?
I thought the line was “Jesus Christ, superstar–who in the hell do you think you are?”
Isn’t it: Jesus Christ, superstar, do you think you’re what they say you are?
Well, I’ve…ahem…been in a production, so I’d say both BiP and Wrecky are right.
Ah, guess mine was a misheard lyric dating back thirty-some odd years. Sort a like “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy”.
In the end Harry Potter is revealed to be. . . Keyzer Soze!
In the last chapter, just when things seem bleakest, we are shocked to learn that the entire saga has been nothing but a dream in the mind of a little autistic girl named Hermione inspired by staring at a snow globe. At this point, Hermione and her parents drive off to a special school where she can be properly educated. Along the way, their car is suddenly hit by a train. In the burning wreckage, we see a child
…and thirty years later she runs into Tom Hanks, who discovers she is the last descendant of Jesus.
It is all the revenge fantasy of a young boarding-school inmate named Harold Pottage, who is now sobbing in the loo after being horribly violated by rugby captain Jack Voldemort.
i think Noah wins, but here’s my shot.
In the final book, Harry realizes that in each of the subsequent six years, everything has gone wrong because none of the adult characters will tell him what’s going on, and that every move he’s made has been at the manipulation of the dark lord. Harry decides that the only way to stop these events from going forward is to do nothing. He returns to the world of muggles and gets a job as a bank manager. Voldermort arrives at the bank in the guise of a customer trying to get a small business loan. He reveals himself to Harry after being denied for insufficient credit and challenges Harry to return to the world of magic so they can have their final confrontation. Harry tells him that the world of magic only brought him pain and suffering, and even though he doesn’t get to cast spells or fly a broomstick, that he has a girlfriend named Sharon and is in a new wave rock act called Dumbledore’s Army and have been shown interest from an indie label interested in distributing their EP.
2 Years Later, Harry is on tour in Manchester when Ron and Hermionne show up telling him what happened to the world of magic after he left. Neville is addicted to a magic form of heroin, Fred and George went gay, and with no final confrontation, Voldermort just kind of vanished and is seen from time to time grumbling about his general lack of closure.
Oh, and Harry was a ghost the whole time, and Snape was a robot.
It turns out that Dumbledore isn’t dead, but merely in hiding from the Ministry of Education and numerous solicitors who want the man thrown out of his job and put in Azkabah for numerous counts of needlessly and recklessly endangering the lives of several hundred minors. Harry, Ron and the rest of the kids spend the next several years studying up on the ancient and mysterious arts of psychologist-prescribed medications, but are magically cured by one appearance on Dr. Phil.
So basically mine was the only one that a real Harry Potter reader might acually fall for? A little less low-rent SNL skit guys; a little more imagination.
ive never read the books ian, so real spoilers aren’t really an option.
im the guy that hears people talking about the books and says ‘aren’t those written for 11 year old girls?’
“So basically mine was the only one that a real Harry Potter reader might acually fall for? A little less low-rent SNL skit guys; a little more imagination.”
Who cares what you think? Since when are you the judge?
If I were to judge, I would conclude that Ian Sinclair’s “false rumor” is depressing and horrible.
Anghus: come on now, we both know that you would never say anything like that aloud in case you were overheard by the wrong people: there isn’t an eleven-year old girl on this planet who couldn’t kick your ass.
i actually said it at my office today and watched this girl’s face turn bright red. harry potter fans are not to be mocked.
Wrecktum, I don’t want to win: last time I won something here Dave sent me a three-day-old gefilte fish sandwich and a betamax tape of LEMON POPSICLE FOREVER!
I’ve never read the books, either, since I instantly recognized lil’ Harry as a complete theft of Neil Gaiman’s Tim Hunter.
Harry learns it was all a dream when he wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette.
“Snape was a robot” is my favorite so far.
What if The One Who Must Not Be Named made the three lead characters into middle-aged adults who get hot for each other every few years at dinner and never act on it?
What if Ron, now head of The Ministry, is walking with my wife and two children and bump into Hermione on the street, and his youngest son says something and Ron’ll tell him… it’s not nice to make fun of single, fat witches.
What if Harry will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing…he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance… Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he’ll get all the great women.
Near the end Chuck Heston appears as the reincarnation of Dumbledore who takes to running around the halls of Hogwarts screaming, “Bertie Bott
I think DP wins the award for most-out-of-left-field reference, but I’ll try and top it:
Harry shoots Voldemort in the face in an abandoned theatre in Poland; it oozes goo. After a near-death experience on Hollywood Blvd he’s serenaded by a group of shapely witches and a wizard lumberjack.
I know the real ending, so I can’t imagine an alternative one.
I vote for Ian Sinclair’s version.
In the final battle between Voldemort and Harry, Harry’s patronus charm stag comes out with Dumbledore’s ghost riding on it with a lance and spears Voldy through the hole where his black heart was. Dumbledore then takes over Voldemort’s body and grants Harry one wish. Harry, knowing he’s the most powerful wizard with a tendency towards the black arts (the snake language) knows he may become corrupt with power as he gets older and wearier, and asks to become a muggle. The book ends there.
DP: great idea for a contest, however shouldn’t we have done this the last couple of days BEFORE the book came out if we were trying to start a rumor?
It turns out on the final page of The Deathly Hallows that Harry Potter…….CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
Harry and Voldemore duel to the death at the end and Harry wins. As his family and friends gather around him to celebrate the end of Voldemort’s reign of terror, Draco Malfoy comes out of nowhere, kills Harry and emerges as the new Dark Lord.
Lord Draco’s first act is to send Ron, Hermoine and everyone else who supported Harry to a newly reconstructed Azkaban while building up an army of Death Eaters, dementor and giants to take over Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, therefore establishing all three wizarding schools as Dark Arts Learning Centers.
Lord Draco’s reign of terror is ended 19 years later when Theodore Lupin raises an army of rebels and finishes the job that Harry started.
As Voldemort lies at Harry’s feet in the Great Hall, with a look of suprise engraved on his face for eternity, all his evil spells begin to unravel, and his victims start apparating as Riddle’s death released a charm on the Arch (in the Department of Mysteries, through which Sirius disappeared), allowing all those who died unjust deaths to return.
Harry is shocked to find a young man and woman -who shares his eyes-, not much older than himself, come running to him and hugging him. Sirius grinns and waves from the door, and Professor McGonagall smiles with relief at finding herself whole again! But as Harry looks through the crowd, the one person he yearns for ignores him… He brushed off Ginny once too often, she walks out of the great hall clinging to Neville Longbottom….
Actually, if want one people would actually believe:
After having eliminated Harry, his brief moment of victory fades away as he notices Malfoy aiming his wand at Ginny. With his own wand cloven in two at his feet, he does the only thing possible, jumping in front of Ginny whose cries of anguish are heard throughout the Forbidden Forest as Harry draws his last breath.
Where shall we bury Harry? Next to Dumbledore at Hogwarts or in Godric’s Hollow next to his parents? ;o)
And NEVER say that HP is just for 11 year-old girls… You might find yourself at the receiving end of an Unforgivable Curse!!! :o)
In a dramatic turn of events only seen in Bubsy-Berkley musicals. Harry uses the seldom uttered SOFTIMUSICA spell, that leads to he and Voldermort begin to sing “ON THE WINGS OF LOVE” by Jeffery Osbourne in the middle of their epic duel. At that moment; the power of a soft R&B jam confuses the snake like man. Who begins to sing the chorus at a ridiculous volume in front of a rather confuse crowd of wizards, witches, house elves, and Hogwarts students. Suddenly, without warning, Harry uses Voldermort’s enjoyment of Jeffery Osbourne as a distraction, pulls an AK-47 from his robe. “AVADA KEDAVARA, MOTHERFUCKER!” A stunned Voldermort — who had been using his wand as a microphone — is unable to utter a protection spell. This leads to a sickening and glorious display of bullets riddling the snake like man with holes as the assembled crowd begins to cheer the downfall of this clearly hated and loathed dickhead. As Harry runs out of bullets, Ginny Weasley walks up to him, and kisses him deeply and passionately. “Harry, you shot him with a GUN! That was BITCHIN!” Harry, no longer feeling the scar on his head throb kisses Ginny as deeply and passionately back. “WHO LOVES YOU BABY!” Ginny in an almost inaudible tone. “You do Harry Potter. You do.” As the last of Voldermort’s blood leaves his wretched snake like thing body. Harry undoes his pants and pees on what was left of the dark lord. At that moment, Harry thought to himself, “All was well.” Indeed it was. Indeed it was.