Wow… it’s raining insane.

Last week it was Protocol Pictures’s rambling, wacky, eating M&Ms off the floor lawsuit against The Weinstein Company for bouncing in and out of an animated movie.

And now, the rambling lunacy of Charlie Sheen turned into a legal document!

I have always heard about the might of Marty Singer… but I am a little shocked that he let this one out with his name signed at the bottom.

The opener…

Magic.

I also like the idea that Charlie is suing for everyone else on the show. Like they would trust their favorite coke addict to hang onto their money. Ha! Set-up… punch!

There is an argument to be made that Charlie Sheen didn’t do anything that clearly triggered WB’s right to terminate his contract. Like every other pundit out there offering an opinion, I have not read Sheen’s contract with WB and I can only go by what people who have claim is in it.

This document doesn’t do anything to clarify the situation. For instance, Sheen’s team has told media that there is no “morals clause” in the contract. Warners has said that there is a clause that can be enforced if they think Sheen committed a felony, even if not charged. Sheen’s filing today repeatedly points out that WB didn’t take this kind of action when he had committed other felonious behavior and, in fact, gave him a contract extension. So while arguing hypocrisy by WB – not a legal issue here – Sheen’s team seems to be admitting that he does have a contractual vulnerability and that WB somehow lost their right to enforce it because they didn’t enforce it earlier.

This kind of, ” or forever hold your peace” kind of argument runs all through the document, sometimes confusingly working against Sheen. For instance, the repeated claims that Sheen was abused for years by Lorre “solely to harass and frustrate Mr. Sheen” are now being claimed as proof of a conspiracy against Sheen, even though no action was taken by Sheen until last month, in the midst of his rehabbing process.

Likewise, while Team Sheen claims the Sheen has been fired in retaliation for the “Chaim” comments about Lorre on the radio show, it also argues that Lorre had breached the showrunner agreement before the radio show, demanding that the show’s season end on March 25, instead of April 8. Why? Because, it seems, March 25 was when the show’s season was supposed to end before Sheen was hospitalized. Another conspiracy that lets Sheen off the hook.

Interestingly, one of the “key” points are the vanity cards that Lorre runs at the end of his episodes. Five are cited. Only one refers directly to Mr. Sheen. and they seem to lay out a long history of problems Sheen brought to the show, not harassment by Lorre. They include:

Oddly, I would not identify any of those comments with myself were someone I was working with published them. Another does refer specifically to “hooker in the closet,” which I assume Marty Singer is getting a trademark for Sheen on as I type.

My favorite turn, however, is the 8th Cause of Action, which is truly hilarious.

“Lorre believe, and has stated publicly, that Mr Sheen suffered from physical and mental maladies, but Lorre nevertheless repeatedly made offensive, derogatory and damaging comments about Mr. Sheen an his alleged Physical and mental maladies…”

It gets better…

Referring to the radio show, “Mr. Sheen fought back against Lorre using the same court of public opinion that Lorre used. The fat that Sheen’s defense of himself as far more effective than Lorre’s harassing and degrading comments cause both Lorre and WB to take the ultimate retaliatory action against Mr. Sheen.”

#Winning!

But there’s more… wait for it…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen… Charlie Sheen is claiming to be physically and mentally disabled!!!

(cue the streamers and balloons and the Jerry Lewis MDA Orchestra playing, “What The World Needs Now… Is Love Sweet Love…”)

Anyway… the two interesting claims in the document are that WB is refusing to pay Sheen’s backend on the show. Hard to believe. The word “timely” is used, so it may be just another irrelevant log on the fire based on a check he thinks he should have gotten some weeks ago. If WB is claiming they can withhold backend on work already done, that should be a slam dunk for Team Sheen. A third option is that WB is now withholding backend money based on the idea that they are countersuing Sheen for damages and that they will hold onto this money in anticipation of the win. Also pretty silly.

The second interesting, but highly unlikely claim is that Lorre wanted to sink this show because he has a better deal on other shows. If a lost season of the show will cost Charlie Sheen $100 million or more, it will cost Lorre multiples of that. Spite can be a powerful thing, but throwing away hundreds of millions over it? Tough argument to make.

What the document lacks is much of any real legal positioning against the contract. It only argues, repeatedly, that WB didn’t have the right to terminate because this is personal, not professional.

Like or hate WB or Chuck Lorre or The Weinsteins, the facts laid out in these two lawsuits are miles away from anything that could seriously float in a court of law. Unless the attorneys are holding something back – and these documents have DNA of their spleens all over them – the arguments are, for the most part, laughable. This doesn’t mean they will be thrown out overnight. Nor does it mean that they won’t both be settled. The facts of the Weinstein suit, in particular, are bizarre and hard to follow, and actually money may well be owed.

It also doesn’t mean that either party may be capable of making a serious legal case out of their situations. There just isn’t anything real in these documents. They are, ironically, public relations documents. “Hey, it WB didn’t like all the drug use, they should have said something in Year Four.” “Poor charlie. That Lorre is a prick!” Yadda yadda yadda.

All in all, these are epic pieces of legal writing, because they are so funny. People will – seriously – be studying them, especially the Sheen document, for years to come.

Singer’s filing actually reads like it was re-written by Sheen to add personal invective and the manic repetition of phrases that Sheen has been babbling on with over the last two weeks. It reads like a drug addict’s claim… everyone is responsible but me.

Sadly, I feel like this whole thing is still heading to a very dark place for Sheen. Every step seems to be deeper into the hole. And little doubt, Sheen has 10s of millions or more dollars coming his way, so only tragedy seems in a position to slow his roll.

Wow.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 
•