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David Poland

By David Poland

BYOB – Non-Twitter Has Killed The Video Star Edition

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52 Responses to “BYOB – Non-Twitter Has Killed The Video Star Edition”

  1. LexG says:

    Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant should do a buddy movie. And just randomly switch roles from scene to scene and shot to shot. No one would notice.

  2. LexG says:

    I just spent some time researching ESCORT SERVICES, and apparently most entail some overpriced dispatch fee and a bouncer/driver on site chillin’ outside your apartment door and it all costing WAY MORE than the weekly paper ads claim?
    FUCK, there goes ANY chance of getting laid again in the next 55 or so years. I always thought just paying for it would be the last-resort thing to stave off suicide, but now you’re telling me ESCORTS DON’T EVEN OPERATE THIS WAY? Yeah I can go to a strip club and go home to punch the clown but NOT THE SAME.
    Street pros = GUARANTEED disease, so that’s out.
    Sleeping bills or jump off the roof?

  3. doug r says:

    Just drive to the Bunny Ranch. Maybe you can get your SAG card at the same time.

  4. martin says:

    Nice to see Jeff Wells is still getting around.

  5. LexG says:

    I’d be ALL ABOUT the RANCH if Isabelle Soprano from the show was still there, but I’m not driving 5 hours to bang AIR FORCE AMY.
    Plus those sheets must be NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTY.
    Anyone wanna hit Pornstar Karaoke at SARDO’S?
    Not that I think any pornstar is going to actually do me, with my Fat Brolin-Arquette appearance and Burt Young-at-OTB wardrobe and KEVIN DUNN PATTERN BALDNESS, but if I can PITCH MY STORY and get some people in the adult industry to check out my years of lonesome postings, maybe someone could make a niche PITY PORNO, sorta like how Stern would get HIGH PITCH laid.

  6. LexG says:

    Hey McDouche or Lou, you guys wanna go halfsies on an escort and we can like high-five each other and shout FUCK YEAH! while taking her from either end?

  7. The Big Perm says:

    Just go to the escort’s place. They’re cheaper that way.

  8. Wrecktum says:

    Hey, Lex, how about speed dating?
    You’re bound to meet some hard luck emo girl who would love to hear about your Hotblog exploits and your color correction.

  9. djiggs says:

    But, what if you’re interested in threesome, foursome, or moresome? Or fantasy play?

  10. djiggs says:

    LexG, I thought that you would be into group acts…threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes. And, I mean Male + # of females. Or even fantasy acts?

  11. leahnz says:

    did i wander into the boy’s locker room? eww

  12. LexG says:

    MEGAN FOX ON LETTERMAN NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. christian says:

    Poor Leah. She deserves better from the boyz.

  14. leahnz says:

    i can take it, i’m a tough ol’ booze hag! (a bit icky tho, not exactly the sort of thing that encourages more chicks to post)

  15. scooterzz says:

    y’know…sardo’s isn’t actually all that bad…go to the bank, pick up a couple of things at vons…down a couple at sardo’s….

  16. LexG says:

    It’s statistically proven that NO MAN (unless he’s famous) can roll into a bar solo and pull squack. Most of my friends are either married or STRICTLY dive bar guys, so what I’m lacking is a Swingers-esque ROLLIN’ POSSE of dudes to hit up CLUBS and COOL BARS with.
    You know how there’s always dudes in line or maybe at your job who take calls from THEIR BOYS all day, several times an hour and every call is like, “Sweet, dude. That’s cool, dude. Let’s go, dude.” And they have this airtight circle of LIKEMINDED CHUMS who do everything together; Like if it’s one guy’s birthday, EVERYONE IN THE POSSE knows it and the guys are all, “Hey it’s so and so’s birthday; WE HAVE to get him drunk and laid!”
    Yeah, I’ve never really had that and don’t know that I would enjoy it, since I’m kind of a loner by nature and tend to blow off the friends I do have. Some people just don’t really enjoy the company of others and don’t need to be surrounded by 11 BROS at all times to enjoy a game or a movie… but then when it comes time to have a NIGHTLIFE, that’s when it SUCKS not to have a ROLLIN’ POSSE.
    So you either have to maintain a 24/7 posse of frat dudes taking jet trips to Vegas or GOING GOLFING or PLAYING SPORTS FOR FUN (all of which sound like HELL ON FUCKING EARTH), or you don’t have people to go clubbin’ with.
    Hence, I can’t really hit up bars without looking like a serial killer. Since ALL WOMEN go in packs to clubs/bars, NO WOMAN is gonna break off from their group to talk to a solo male.
    Especially when the dude has a BALD SPOT.

  17. LexG says:

    ^^ All of which is why I have absolutely, 1000% resigned myself to the reality that the ONLY WAY I’m ever going to get laid again as long as I live is to a) PAY FOR IT, or b) GET FAMOUS.

  18. LYT says:

    Speed dating SUCKS. I did it twice. Every woman there was, no joke, either a kindergarten teacher, special ed teacher, or women’s rights attorney. And every one of them turned me down.
    I talked to one afterwards, and she said she’d been dating so much that she knew exactly what she wanted, and wasn’t gonna waste time with anyone else.
    That said, I’ve never known a profesional comedian who couldn’t get laid. You gotta work those skills. Most stand-ups are ugly but they get action.

  19. lazarus says:

    I’d complain about this thread turning into another Lex therapy session, but I’m just glad to get away from all the Michael Jackson bullshit.
    So yeah, pussy and stuff.
    Rock and roll.

  20. LexG says:

    How Jewish do you have to be to qualify for J-DATE?
    Will they let me in?
    Then again, DATING SUCKS. I just need a cheap, depressing, quick hookup with someone who doesn’t respect me and vice versa.
    I was raised Cath’lic so sex is THE FILTHIEST THING EVER and can only be done in situations where the chick and I would have UTMOST CONTEMPT FOR EACH OTHER.

  21. lazarus says:

    I would stay far away from J-Date, Lex. You may think you’re gonna have your pick of the Elaine from Seinfeld litter, but you’re more likely to wind up with a bunch of neurotic yentas like Alvy Singer’s wife–and not the one Carol Kane played.

  22. LexG says:

    I know the dude usually kinda disses me, but Laz is kinda bringing the thunder the last day or so, being civil even. Props.
    Yeah, speed date freaks me out, I only thought J-Date would be cool because I thought like all the chicks would look like Buffy or Nat-Po or something.
    I’m not even lying, I went through a shit-ton of Escort reviews and sites tonight, but all of them seem to entail some Michael Clarke Duncan-sized bouncer dude chillin’ in your living room while the chick barters you down to a tame massage. And the RUB AND TUG thing seems HELLA LAME to me, because that’s way way too tame.
    I want the full deal.
    I know this is crude and unpleasant to some, but I’m not even THAT drunk…. sorry to command another thread with indulgence…
    I’m just SO fucking lonesome it hurts.

  23. lazarus says:

    Portman’s Israeli, so you have to go pretty far to bag that kind of premium Jewish girl. Gellar’s type is an easier bet; she’s really just good hair and make-up like Aniston, no?
    Maybe you need to start hanging out in West Hollywood and keep your eyes peeled for a bachelorette party. Those chicks are usually up to no good and pulling a Rogen/Heigl isn’t outside the realm of possibility.
    Just don’t forget the prophy.

  24. LexG says:

    It’s all good regardless, but for some reason I think Aniston is Greek.

  25. hcat says:

    ‘Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant should do a buddy movie. And just randomly switch roles from scene to scene and shot to shot. No one would notice.’
    I had an idea for a movie once about some thugs sent by a drug dealer to collect on a debt from an up and coming actor and having them accidently kidnap his stunt double. I thought it would be funny to cast two actors that people always mixed up.
    I remember in the mid-eighties my father (and he wasn’t the only one) could not tell Tom Hanks, Micheal Keaton, or Steve Guttenberg apart.

  26. Chucky in Jersey says:

    Real World Update: Universal has removed a scene from “Bruno” that brought up Michael Jackson. The scene was cut just before the film’s US premiere last night.

  27. lazarus says:

    Sorry, Lex, I should have clarified. Aniston’s only half-Jewish, but she acts the other half pretty well.

  28. LexG says:

    Morning update for THE FANS:
    I didn’t get laid last night. Still depressed.
    I won’t get laid tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week, or month, or probably year. I will probably clear the entire decade of 2010 to 2020 as well, if we’re all still here.
    Would YOU kill yourself if you KNEW you wouldn’t have sex again for as long as 50 years?
    ^ Serious question ^

  29. christian says:

    Lex, if you truly make 70 grand a year and can’t get laid in LA…you probably never will.

  30. LexG says:

    Cool, good answer.
    I’m going to down an entire package of Sominex with my nightly bottle of vodka and 12 beers tonight then.
    Or maybe I’ll wait til tomorrow after I see Hurt Locker.
    But then it’s ON. Or OFF, I should say.

  31. LexG says:

    I will be TWEETING my DEPRESSION throughout the day, so be sure’n’ follow!
    That means you!

  32. christian says:

    Lex, take 700 dollars, buy a round-trip flight to Amsterdam. Spend a couple hundred more on a room or hostel. Walk to the Red Light District. Drop 60 bucks and GET LAID. Come home with extra cash in your pocket and a smile in your heart.

  33. LexG says:

    I don’t have a passport, and they take at least a month or two to get, so that doesn’t solve my URGENT SUICIDE-LEVEL need for IMMEDIATE SEX.
    And I don’t mean a LAME BJ. I mean F—ING.

  34. Joe Leydon says:

    OK, surely there are some women reading this blog who are familiar with the concept of “Mercy Fucking.” (Reference Jo Ann Pflug/John Schuck in Robert Altman’s M*A*S*H.)Come on, have a heart. The guy is such a promising film essayist. Consider it an act of kindness.

  35. hcat says:

    Wouldn’t an STD be preferrable to Suicide? As far as the paid escort, what do you care about how much you spend if you end up offing yourself anyway?

  36. LexG says:

    I get nervous when I order Chinese food.
    I don’t know how GANZ was so casual about ordering vag for himself and Billy at the beginning of 48 HRS, and on a PARK BENCH NEXT TO A CORPSE, to boot.
    They should have a service like in LA CONFIDENTIAL where they have CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE HOOKERS.
    I would order up the LOOKALIKES of my 20 faves, run up all my credit cards, bang them for 2 straight days, tell them to leave, then put a pistol in my mouth and go out in a TONY SCOTT/SMOKIN’ ACES-lit floating pillow feathers/ceiling fan blaze of GLORY.
    And I’d put it up on YouTube and be posthumously worshipped LIKE A GOD.

  37. hcat says:

    Ganz and Billy had been in prison for three years, I’m suprised they stop to pop the guy first.

  38. christian says:

    Lex, you can get a passport in days if you pay. And the sex workers in Amsterdam have a union. I thought quite a few were smokin’ hot. As I passed.
    But really, be like Joel Goodson and say, “What the fuck.” He ended up with Rebecca De Mornay.

  39. LexG says:

    I thought I liked that Firecrotch from the Windows commercials named Lauren who goes to buy a Mac but instead gets a better deal on a PC.
    (GOOD IDEA.)
    In the commercial she’s CUTE AND CHARMING and has CLUNKY GLASSES, but on website she’s not anywhere near as cute without glasses.

  40. Martin S says:

    Lex – just lose some damn weight. You don’t have to be ripped, just not a slob. Look at it this way – if you believe you’re not going to get laid in three months, then get an at-home program with basic daily calorie count and you can shed anywhere from 12-24 pounds in 90 days. Your odds of at least getting a date will jump by 50% because you’ll physically feel better, which comes across as confidence. Otherwise, you’re just looking for pity.

  41. LexG says:

    For the cheap seats, Martin:

  42. jeffmcm says:

    You’re just looking for pity.
    On a movie blog surrounded by strangers.

  43. LexG says:

    No, I’m looking for a HIGH POWERED PRODUCER (Poland’s fanbase) to send an ESCORT my way to PREVENT A SUICIDE.

  44. jeffmcm says:

    Same thing. Either way, it’s a selfish pipe dream.

  45. mysteryperfecta says:

    Its like he was born yesterday. Paying for sex should make a person feel even lonelier and more pathetic.

  46. T. Holly says:

    This feels like the right place, since people are praying here: please lighten up St. Peter, MJ was born at the wrong time, when Eisenhower was president, and died so his children may live without Daddy doing the comeback tour; his music is playing everywhere and sounds as fresh as the day he made it, he’s $400mil in debt and with your support, will be a very rich man in death; and everyone is still young enough to discuss everything and try to understand it for reals this time.

  47. NickF says:

    So the Latoya Jackson scene will be cut from the future theatrical prints.
    I guess us common folk will have to wait until the DVD/Blu-ray.

  48. T. Holly says:

    MJ made his image reflect the world, told in 19 min, & died doing it.

  49. Bob Violence says:

    Every time I see the term “JDATE”, I do a double-take and think of this.

Quote Unquotesee all »

It shows how out of it I was in trying to be in it, acknowledging that I was out of it to myself, and then thinking, “Okay, how do I stop being out of it? Well, I get some legitimate illogical narrative ideas” — some novel, you know?

So I decided on three writers that I might be able to option their material and get some producer, or myself as producer, and then get some writer to do a screenplay on it, and maybe make a movie.

And so the three projects were “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,” “Naked Lunch” and a collection of Bukowski. Which, in 1975, forget it — I mean, that was nuts. Hollywood would not touch any of that, but I was looking for something commercial, and I thought that all of these things were coming.

There would be no Blade Runner if there was no Ray Bradbury. I couldn’t find Philip K. Dick. His agent didn’t even know where he was. And so I gave up.

I was walking down the street and I ran into Bradbury — he directed a play that I was going to do as an actor, so we know each other, but he yelled “hi” — and I’d forgot who he was.

So at my girlfriend Barbara Hershey’s urging — I was with her at that moment — she said, “Talk to him! That guy really wants to talk to you,” and I said “No, fuck him,” and keep walking.

But then I did, and then I realized who it was, and I thought, “Wait, he’s in that realm, maybe he knows Philip K. Dick.” I said, “You know a guy named—” “Yeah, sure — you want his phone number?”

My friend paid my rent for a year while I wrote, because it turned out we couldn’t get a writer. My friends kept on me about, well, if you can’t get a writer, then you write.”
~ Hampton Fancher

“That was the most disappointing thing to me in how this thing was played. Is that I’m on the phone with you now, after all that’s been said, and the fundamental distinction between what James is dealing with in these other cases is not actually brought to the fore. The fundamental difference is that James Franco didn’t seek to use his position to have sex with anyone. There’s not a case of that. He wasn’t using his position or status to try to solicit a sexual favor from anyone. If he had — if that were what the accusation involved — the show would not have gone on. We would have folded up shop and we would have not completed the show. Because then it would have been the same as Harvey Weinstein, or Les Moonves, or any of these cases that are fundamental to this new paradigm. Did you not notice that? Why did you not notice that? Is that not something notable to say, journalistically? Because nobody could find the voice to say it. I’m not just being rhetorical. Why is it that you and the other critics, none of you could find the voice to say, “You know, it’s not this, it’s that”? Because — let me go on and speak further to this. If you go back to the L.A. Times piece, that’s what it lacked. That’s what they were not able to deliver. The one example in the five that involved an issue of a sexual act was between James and a woman he was dating, who he was not working with. There was no professional dynamic in any capacity.

~ David Simon